Sunday, December 19, 2010

The True Church of the Xenomorph



Although I am still very iffy on Aliens 3, I did have a very fun time with Jeff Martin. See, I proposed the question, “Why did Newt have to die?” because I felt the movie cheated me as a result of poor screenwriting. He responded by saying, “For your sins.” From that point on things got way out of hand we inadvertently created The True Church of the Xenomorph; a church that is dedicated to worship of the Xenomorph. The logic behind this is this: since the Mayans once worshiped these creatures, what would happen if their Xenomorph based religion trailed into the 21st century? Well, Jeff and I have taken it upon us to create a list of information for those of you wishing to join the True Church of the Xenomorph.

Info Jeff has created:
  • Contributing to the offering plate will be mandatory
  • In the Church of the Xenomorph, Sigourney Weaver is the Devil
  • They shall celebrate the Stations of the Egg.
  • Behold the Melting Pen, first held by Captain Dallas, a holy icon in the Church.
  • The existence of the “Space Jockey” will be hotly debated.
  • Supplicants shall wear pendants depicting Ash lying on a cafeteria table.
  • Those on the Xenomorph Right claim “Salvation through gestation.”
  • At reenactments of the Last Supper, smoking shall be permitted and cornbread will be served.
  • Ash would be a Saint.
  • Church member are allowed to conceal themselves amongst the ductwork during services, if so desired.
  • The True Church of the Xenomorph does not believe in the existence of so-called “Predators.”
  • Services are not to be dismissed with the phrase, “Game over, man.”
  • Liberal Xenomorphs have been known to sing “Hello, My Honey” during Sabbat celebrations.
  • Excommunication from The True Church of the Xenomorph is called “Ripleyfication.”
  • Suppression of the gag reflex is encouraged by Church Elders.
  • The prophets, O’Bannon and Shusett, are responsible for creating the Xenomorphic Scriptures.
  • The True Church of the Xenomoprh never serves deviled eggs at their pot-luck diners.
  • Visitors to the TCotX are always impressed by the low-lying, ankle high mist in the Sanctuary.
  • Some Xenos subscribe to the teachings of Saint Jeunet, but they are largely considered to be heretics.
  • The Church’s main holidays are Xeaster and Xmas
  • Church growth is dictated by how often the deep salvage ships come by, usually once every fifty-seven years.
  • The Church holds artificial persons in high regard, often giving them roles as bodyguards or protectors.
  • Those who claim to have found another Gospel of the Xenomorph are known as “Xenomormons.”
  • Xenovah’s Witnesses believe only 144.000 eggs will be laid.
  • Xenomormons have been persecuted for their belief in poly-chestbursting.
  • Xenomormons believe that the crew of the SULACO were one of the lost twelve tribes of Homeworld.
  • Xenovah’s Witnesses are aggressive proseltyzers, going from planet to planet, wearing nice suits and carrying tracts.
  • Xenomormonism is often confused with Scientology, which offends Xenomormons greatly.
  • Xenomormons tend to build colonies on the Great Salt Planet, U-TAH 518.
  • Acolytes must spend four years in Xeminary before obtaining a parish of their own.
  • Communion in the TCotX consists of lime green lemonade and cornbread.
  • Xenomorphs refer to purgatory as “the airlock.”
  • The True Church of the Xenomorph values strength over beauty, hence the saying, “There’s no phase like drone.”
  • Xenomorph worshipers can not love, but they will admire your purity.

Info I have created:
  • The pews will be designed with Giger-like architecture.
  • As a woman, giving yourself up for the egg harvest will be a great honor.
  • A cup of lime green lemonade would be offered as drinking the blood of the Xenomomorph.
  • Mass anit-Weyland propaganda will be handed out in masses. Bishop cyborgs will be offered as temporary sacrifices.
  • The Last Supper will depict the entire crew of the Nostromos during their last ‘supper’ including Ash and Kane.
  • To purify someone would involve either acid or a dirty magazine down the throat.
  • Ash would be a martyr.
  • Cats, especially orange tabbies, would symbolize bad luck and should be avoided.
  • Referring to the mass or any Xenomorph worshiping ceremonies as a “bug hunt” would be considered taboo.
  • The True Church of the Xenomorph only accepts the Xenomorph as the intelligent being in the Universe. Everything else is below it.
  • Xenomorph worshipers understand the parody behind SPACEBALLS but still regard the species as the supreme leaders of the Universe.
  • More Conservative Xenomorphs worshipers have been known to base hymns off of unfinished works by jerry Goldsmith.
  • ‘Exorcisms’ or ‘Xenomorphisms’ are welcome as a sign of good faith and those who are ‘possessed’ are seen as ‘blessed.’
  • During Xeaster the painting of Xenomorph eggs in warpaint is considered as a respectable duty.
  • Saint Scott and Saint Cameron are regarded as the people who founded The True Church of the Xenomorph.
  • Those who disobey any of the 10 Xeno-Commandments are sent to hell or as the Church calls it the Nostromo.
  • Genetic tampering of Xenomorph eggs is forbidden. Failure to do so would result in Ripleyfication.
  • Worshipers who shave their heads are actually honoring the fall of their adjacent brethren species. It’s sort of an ironic worship.
  • Saint Giger is seen as the only person who has properly depicted the Xenomorph in its true shape and landscape.
  • Those who break away from the Xenomorph founded the Xenovah’s Witnesses. They’re book of grace is called the Space Tower.
  • Xenomormons don’t believe that the Xenomorphs have visited Earth but rather observe it.
  • Xenomormons also believe that they were, in fact, two different Nostromos and therefore two different Xenomorphs.
  • Strangely enough, Xenovah’s Witnesses are the nicest among the Xenomorph religion.
  • True Xenomorph worshipers know not to call out to a Xenomorph by saying “here kitty, kitty, kitty.” (By Jeff): This lesson is taught in The Parable of Britt, a beloved Xenomorphic Bible story.
  • Xenuns during Sunday services tell young worshipers of the courageous tales of Saint Ash and Bishop II.
  • One such Xenomormon colony, LV-426, was destroyed by Xenomorphs because they didn’t observe proper Xeno-prayer.
  • In Xenomorphic studies, young worshipers are offered a noble position as a Xlater Boy. Adults are offered a role as Xeacons.
  • Xenomorph believers recognize the Xeno-trinity: The Xather, The Xeon and the Xeno-spirit.
  • A common phrase in Xenomorph worshipers is “It’s got a wonderful defense mechanism. You don’t dare kill it.”
  • Xenomorph worshipers understand that they mostly come out at night. Mostly.
So, knowing these rules… won’t you come and join The True Church of the Xenomorph. We offer a wide range of assistance, salvation and gestation. So, why not consider Xenomorph worship as new religion… and remember, you eternal being can be gestated through our services.


1 comments:

Austin Keith said...

epic religion, im joining if thats alright. :3

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