Sunday, December 19, 2010

The True Church of the Xenomorph

Although I am still very iffy on Aliens 3, I did have a very fun time with Jeff Martin. See, I proposed the question, “Why did Newt have to die?” because I felt the movie cheated me as a result of poor screenwriting. He responded by saying, “For your sins.” From that point on things got way out of hand we inadvertently created The True Church of the Xenomorph; a church that is dedicated to worship of the Xenomorph. The logic behind this is this: since the Mayans once worshiped these creatures, what would happen if their Xenomorph based religion trailed into the 21st century? Well, Jeff and I have taken it upon us to create a list of information for those of you wishing to join the True Church of the Xenomorph.

Info Jeff has created:
  • Contributing to the offering plate will be mandatory
  • In the Church of the Xenomorph, Sigourney Weaver is the Devil
  • They shall celebrate the Stations of the Egg.
  • Behold the Melting Pen, first held by Captain Dallas, a holy icon in the Church.
  • The existence of the “Space Jockey” will be hotly debated.
  • Supplicants shall wear pendants depicting Ash lying on a cafeteria table.
  • Those on the Xenomorph Right claim “Salvation through gestation.”
  • At reenactments of the Last Supper, smoking shall be permitted and cornbread will be served.
  • Ash would be a Saint.
  • Church member are allowed to conceal themselves amongst the ductwork during services, if so desired.
  • The True Church of the Xenomorph does not believe in the existence of so-called “Predators.”
  • Services are not to be dismissed with the phrase, “Game over, man.”
  • Liberal Xenomorphs have been known to sing “Hello, My Honey” during Sabbat celebrations.
  • Excommunication from The True Church of the Xenomorph is called “Ripleyfication.”
  • Suppression of the gag reflex is encouraged by Church Elders.
  • The prophets, O’Bannon and Shusett, are responsible for creating the Xenomorphic Scriptures.
  • The True Church of the Xenomoprh never serves deviled eggs at their pot-luck diners.
  • Visitors to the TCotX are always impressed by the low-lying, ankle high mist in the Sanctuary.
  • Some Xenos subscribe to the teachings of Saint Jeunet, but they are largely considered to be heretics.
  • The Church’s main holidays are Xeaster and Xmas
  • Church growth is dictated by how often the deep salvage ships come by, usually once every fifty-seven years.
  • The Church holds artificial persons in high regard, often giving them roles as bodyguards or protectors.
  • Those who claim to have found another Gospel of the Xenomorph are known as “Xenomormons.”
  • Xenovah’s Witnesses believe only 144.000 eggs will be laid.
  • Xenomormons have been persecuted for their belief in poly-chestbursting.
  • Xenomormons believe that the crew of the SULACO were one of the lost twelve tribes of Homeworld.
  • Xenovah’s Witnesses are aggressive proseltyzers, going from planet to planet, wearing nice suits and carrying tracts.
  • Xenomormonism is often confused with Scientology, which offends Xenomormons greatly.
  • Xenomormons tend to build colonies on the Great Salt Planet, U-TAH 518.
  • Acolytes must spend four years in Xeminary before obtaining a parish of their own.
  • Communion in the TCotX consists of lime green lemonade and cornbread.
  • Xenomorphs refer to purgatory as “the airlock.”
  • The True Church of the Xenomorph values strength over beauty, hence the saying, “There’s no phase like drone.”
  • Xenomorph worshipers can not love, but they will admire your purity.

Info I have created:
  • The pews will be designed with Giger-like architecture.
  • As a woman, giving yourself up for the egg harvest will be a great honor.
  • A cup of lime green lemonade would be offered as drinking the blood of the Xenomomorph.
  • Mass anit-Weyland propaganda will be handed out in masses. Bishop cyborgs will be offered as temporary sacrifices.
  • The Last Supper will depict the entire crew of the Nostromos during their last ‘supper’ including Ash and Kane.
  • To purify someone would involve either acid or a dirty magazine down the throat.
  • Ash would be a martyr.
  • Cats, especially orange tabbies, would symbolize bad luck and should be avoided.
  • Referring to the mass or any Xenomorph worshiping ceremonies as a “bug hunt” would be considered taboo.
  • The True Church of the Xenomorph only accepts the Xenomorph as the intelligent being in the Universe. Everything else is below it.
  • Xenomorph worshipers understand the parody behind SPACEBALLS but still regard the species as the supreme leaders of the Universe.
  • More Conservative Xenomorphs worshipers have been known to base hymns off of unfinished works by jerry Goldsmith.
  • ‘Exorcisms’ or ‘Xenomorphisms’ are welcome as a sign of good faith and those who are ‘possessed’ are seen as ‘blessed.’
  • During Xeaster the painting of Xenomorph eggs in warpaint is considered as a respectable duty.
  • Saint Scott and Saint Cameron are regarded as the people who founded The True Church of the Xenomorph.
  • Those who disobey any of the 10 Xeno-Commandments are sent to hell or as the Church calls it the Nostromo.
  • Genetic tampering of Xenomorph eggs is forbidden. Failure to do so would result in Ripleyfication.
  • Worshipers who shave their heads are actually honoring the fall of their adjacent brethren species. It’s sort of an ironic worship.
  • Saint Giger is seen as the only person who has properly depicted the Xenomorph in its true shape and landscape.
  • Those who break away from the Xenomorph founded the Xenovah’s Witnesses. They’re book of grace is called the Space Tower.
  • Xenomormons don’t believe that the Xenomorphs have visited Earth but rather observe it.
  • Xenomormons also believe that they were, in fact, two different Nostromos and therefore two different Xenomorphs.
  • Strangely enough, Xenovah’s Witnesses are the nicest among the Xenomorph religion.
  • True Xenomorph worshipers know not to call out to a Xenomorph by saying “here kitty, kitty, kitty.” (By Jeff): This lesson is taught in The Parable of Britt, a beloved Xenomorphic Bible story.
  • Xenuns during Sunday services tell young worshipers of the courageous tales of Saint Ash and Bishop II.
  • One such Xenomormon colony, LV-426, was destroyed by Xenomorphs because they didn’t observe proper Xeno-prayer.
  • In Xenomorphic studies, young worshipers are offered a noble position as a Xlater Boy. Adults are offered a role as Xeacons.
  • Xenomorph believers recognize the Xeno-trinity: The Xather, The Xeon and the Xeno-spirit.
  • A common phrase in Xenomorph worshipers is “It’s got a wonderful defense mechanism. You don’t dare kill it.”
  • Xenomorph worshipers understand that they mostly come out at night. Mostly.
So, knowing these rules… won’t you come and join The True Church of the Xenomorph. We offer a wide range of assistance, salvation and gestation. So, why not consider Xenomorph worship as new religion… and remember, you eternal being can be gestated through our services.


Austin Keith said...

epic religion, im joining if thats alright. :3

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