Sunday, December 26, 2010

The 80s: When Everything Was A Weapon

It was rather surprising when I found out that Jim Mallon directed a horror movie called Blood Hook. This was the guy that produced Mystery Science Theater 3000. What was even more shocking was that Kevin Murphy composed the score for Blood Hook and was the key grip. I guess I can’t be too shocked because how else would they know how a bad movie is made for their cult TV show. What was pretty shocking was the killer of Blood Hook and he revealed something about the 80s that seemed so obvious but I never paid any attention too.

This may be a spoiler for anybody who actually wants to watch his movie. There is a murderer going around this Wisconsin community killing people by launching, via fishing pole, an over-sized fishhook into people body’s and gutting them. So yes, he is essentially killing people by fishing them. Now if you think that is ridiculous listen to the killer’s motives. See, the killer owns a bait shop that doubles as a small army exhibit. It is revealed to us that he has a metal plate lodged into his brain from when he was a soldier. Well, since this plate seems to be picking up unknown signals, mixed with the sound the cicadas make outside, it creates a wave frequency (known as the Devil’s Music or something like that) that drives him to murder. I can barely explain it because I don’t fully understand it. What does this have to do with anything I mentioned before?

I have realized, and I might be a little late on this, that in the 80s… imagination was wild and anything could be a weapon of murder. Not just knives, bats, chainsaws or any other conventional ‘lethal’ weapon but other items. In Blood Hook, a fucking fishing pole is a weapon of murder. In Blades, a lawnmower. Below is a list of common non-lethal things that have been used as weapons in horror movies during the 80s.

- Fishing pole (Blood Hook)

- Lawnmower (Blades)

- Vending machine (Maximum Overdrive)

- Arcade system (Maximum Overdrive)

- Draw bridge (Maximum Overdrive)

- Children’s doll (Child’s Play)

- Television (Videodrome)

- Fog (The Fog)

- Closets (Monster in the Closet)

- Flying piranha (Piranha II: The Spawning)

- Cockroaches (Creepshow)

- Halloween masks (Halloween III)

- Microwave (Microwave Massacre)

- Mythological god (The Keep)

- Any given ‘weapon’ from Nightmare on Elm Street

- Coffee (Children of the Corn)

- Yogurt (The Stuff)

- Wine (Street Trash)

- VCR (The Video Dead)

- Popcorn and cotton candy (Killer Klowns From Outer Space)

- Scarecrows (Scarecrows)

- Slugs (Slugs)

These are just some that come to mind. I know I am missing a lot but I can’t remember all the 80s horror movies I have seen. The point is that it takes imagination to turn a cockroach or a vending machine into a weapon. All I can say in this case is… God bless the 80s.

By the way, I find it ironic that I came up with this post a few days after this post showed up on Evil On Two Legs.


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