Saturday, December 12, 2009

Why I Hated Santa's Slay

So after much anticipation I finally got around to watching a movie that everybody has told me to watch… Santa’s Slay. I first saw this movie in the library and when I picked up the DVD box and looked at it, I thought this would be a terrible movie and it is. It’s awful. It’s bullshit. The movie is about Santa Claus and how he really was the son of Satan who lost a bet with a disguised angel and in turn, he had to be good for 1000 years. Now, after all these years he’s return for Christmas to spread holiday fear. But, I don’t just not like it, I hate it and even though there were a few things that I liked there are a lot more things that I hated. I a lot of people recommended this to me and urged me to see so, I decided to make a list of reasons why I hated this movie. Below is a list of things:

1. It was pointless – I know there really doesn’t have to be a method as to why certain killers stalk certain people, but Santa just goes bizerk over these kids for no reason. Even before Santa realized that the kid’s grandfather was the angel he lost the bet to he still attacked them.

2. The wrestling moves – Now, I know that Goldberg was in this movie and he really did show off his wrestling movies but this movie relied too much on those moves. We all know he was a wrestler but I don’t think the movie should have relied only on those attacks. He didn’t need to beat up people and slam wooden tables over people; he could have done something a little more holiday themed for each kill.

3. The comedy – This movie is filled with comedy and some really terrible puns and it could have done without any of them, or at the very least they could have turned this into a dark comedy. The line “Ho ho ho hoes!” was painful to listen to. The comedy just took me out of the movie. There are some movies that are funny, entertaining and stupid but this is an example of not taking something seriously and still hating it.

4. The ‘hell-dear’ – I don’t know what this was, if it was a moose, or an ox or a wild thing or whatever but it looked stupid. Honestly, I think if they just made the reindeer look satanic or demonic it would have been better but to make a new animal was just stupid.

5. The rushed ending – The ending was totally rushed and it did not serve any justice to the would-be rematch ending. Then, in a totally awful ‘twist’ Santa is alive and he looks more like Goldberg then anything.

6. The stupidity – Just the general stupidity of this movie made me hate it. It’s a shame that such a good idea, with such a good opening scene turned into a stupid comedy horror. Honestly, I don’t know if Goldberg was acting as Santa or as himself because I felt like I was watching a WWE match. Even the pacing of the movie was a bit stupid.

Its a shame that such a potentially good movie turned into such a tasteless comedy horror. The only part that I really enjoyed about this movie was the claymaiton part of the film, which took us back to those good ol’ days of animated Christmas tales. Hell, I even enjoyed the beginning scenes and all the cameos and James Caan was a woot. I hate to say this but, if I could remake this movie, I would and I would turn it into a darker and more holiday oriented film that has some good scares and some bloody moments.


fallon said...

No, you're right though, don't feel bad about using the word remake! THIS is like the ONLY sort of movie that should be remade. I hated this goddamn movie!!!!!!! I felt my brain disintegrating with each scene. I'd really like to do some looking into as to who produced this and get explanation on the cameos but... I already wasted too much time watching it in the first place. It can't take more internet time from me too.

Mike Snoonian said...

geez this sounds awful. You had me at "Goldberg plays Santa". That guy has the charisma of a beat up old shoe.

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