Things I Learned This Thankskilling

As far back as I can remember, I’ve always learned something from sitting down and having Thanksgiving with my family. I would either be taught family lessons, how to cook, responsibility or the concept of sharing and giving thanks. It has always been a tradition for me to learn from my elders and I’m sure, even after all these years, it will never be broken. However, there was one movie that really hit home for me. It delivered a grand slam right into the windows of our house, landed in the mashed potatoes and burn the turkey. That movie was Thankskilling and I just want to take this time to reflect upon it and tell you what I learned from that movie.

- Apparently, college kids are really stupid.
- Pilgrim women like to show their breasts.
- Backwater country hicks will avenge their dogs if they get killed.
- Brunettes are now idiots.
- If you wife shits in your coffee, she wants a divorce.
- People seem to be quick to get over things.
- College kids scare really, really easy.
- There is such a thing as a Turkeyologist.
- Grown men play on swing sets and east ice cream.
- Turkeys hate to be called ducks.
- A turkey can look like a midget dressed up in a turkey outfit.
- 200 years ago, people wrote spell-books on cardboard.
- Turkeys use small gravy-flavored condoms.
- To kill an evil, murderous, foul-mouthed (har har har), turkey… you burn it at the stake.
- To revive an evil, murderous, foul-mouthed turkey… you drop it into a garbage bin full of radioactive waste.
- Drinking makes you laugh at everything.
- Turkeys are really mean birds.
- Always double kill your turkey.
- Thanksgiving is a very dysfunctional holiday.

Those are the lessons that I learned this Thankskilling, they are very sour moments in time that I will forever and regrettably cherish.