Top 5 Worst Horror Movies of 2010

Well it’s that time again, the end of the year is nearing and it’s been quite a bumpy ride for horror movies. Why is it bumpy you ask? Well, most of the movies that were being released were all remakes and those that weren’t remakes were either indie films that didn’t get the recognition they deserved or they were based on a book. I am actually a little disappointed by this year’s turn out for horror films because it proved that we will be seeing a lot of remakes yet to come. Below is a list of the worst horror movies of the year and have noticed that some of them are making the ‘Best of’ lists and I can’t imagine why this is so. These atrocities of filmmaking are paving the way for a slew of unoriginal, unimaginative, boring horror movies and it makes me have a grim outlook on what 2011 holds. What’s sad is that two of my ‘Best of’ movies aren’t even horror but rather dramas… but I had to put them to the list because otherwise it would be a Top 3 list. So get your barf bag ready, strap your goggles on and make sure to bring an oxygen tank… we’re diving into the wet mound of dog shit now.

Saw 3D – This was the worst film I had seen all year and that extends to genres outside of the horror realms. I knew that it wouldn’t be good because from what I witnessed, the Saw franchise was headed into the ground… but this movie dug a 60-foot hole in the ground and buried itself there. None of the characters were likable, the direction was so rushed that it felt like they wanted to dish it to the public so they could work on the next shitfest. The traps somehow got so absurd but yet so very bland at the same time. It was all elaborate and not as simple as the first Saw movie. Mix all this tainted filmmaking techniques with convoluted plotlines, terrible acting, unanswered questions, posters that have nothing to do with the movie, pointless killing, shitty 3D, and no sense of style or rhythm and you have Saw 3D in a nutshell. I would watch any horror movie that came out this year than watch this.

A Nightmare on Elm Street – I was trying to be very optimistic with this one. I tried looking at it with new eyes. I tried to enjoy it. I tried everything I could to try to sit through it and except it for what it was but I just couldn’t. I couldn’t except the fact that Freddy was stripped of his personality and made to look like a burnt alien. I couldn’t take the fact that they took out all the grit of the original and replaced it with the glossy conventions you’d see in The O.C. or Degrassi. I couldn’t take the fact that I knew what was a dram and what was reality unlike the original where you couldn’t tell the difference. Hell, I especially couldn’t take the fact that they decided to take out all the little things that made the original memorable; little things like Freddy’s tongue coming out of the phone or the dogs with the human heads. It was one of the most anticipated and most disappointing remakes of the year. They somehow turned the movie into a teen drama rather than a horror.

Piranha 3D – With the surprising success of My Bloody Valentine 3D Dimension decided to give another cult classic the 3D remake treatment and that cult movie was Piranha. This was very disappointing because it was camp and cheese times 1000. Too much for one movie. Unlike MBV, the characters are stupid and cardboard. It seemed like the only thing that this movie had going for it was the corny 3D effects, the bloodfest during the concert and… a lot of boobs. MBV had characters that were ‘badass’ whereas here, you hoped they died just so the movie ended. MBV hardly needed any T&A because the story was already compelling. The CGI was terrible and the movie moved so fast that it felt like it could have been a Syfy original movie. But cherry on this shit sundae was having a 3D dick get thrown at me. I’ll take Tom Atkin’s jaw any day.

The Human Centipede – I’ll admit that when I first saw this I wasn’t too disappointed and I had mixed feelings. Then I realized that hardly anything happened in the movie and the scenes that were, were usually seeing somebody getting force fed shit through their mouths. It occurred to me that what type of sick person would think of this and why would they think this is something people would enjoy… but I guess there are. Sure it was original but with that aside, is there anything worth enjoying in it besides seeing people force fed shit? The answer to that is no. The movie is dry, boring and very dragging. If there had to be one thing that was worth watching, it was Dieter Laser’s performance and that’s it. Otherwise, the concept for the movie is more appealing than the movie itself.

Predators – I hated this movie when it came out but after seeing it a second time I came to the conclusion that the first half of the movie was pretty good and after the waterfall scene it falls apart. The biggest disappointment for me was that there wasn’t enough awesomeness in it. I know it sounds stupid but the first Predator movie had explosions, testosterone fueled action and a notable action hero. Predators had none of that and the characters that could have been badass (like the Yakuza or the Cartel) had such anticlimactic deaths. Personally, if they made this an original movie and not a sequel… it would have been so much better.

HONORABLE MENTIONS

Daybreakers – I didn’t have too big of a problem with this movie, in fact I enjoyed it a lot but there was something that was really wrong with now that I think about it. It was something that I wanted to see but was never given the proper direction to show it. Whoever thought of the idea for this movie didn’t realize that they could have made such a memorable dystopian society. Other than that, the movie wasn’t bad but I fear that many people thought it was just average. From a story that could have had such great potential to a movie that was forgettable once it got to DVD.

We can only hope that 2011 will bring us horror salvation.

Review - The Human Centipede (First Sequence) (2010)

After hearing about the film so many times I finally got a chance to see The Human Centipede (First Sequence) at the Music Box Theater. The film is exactly what the title says; it’s about a lunatic surgeon who decides to create a human centipede by conjoining the first person’s intestines with second’s person’s mouth all the way down to the third person. This, in turn, creates a conjoined triplet via ass-to-mouth. With how much exposure this film has gotten I was expecting something creepy, scary and bizarre and it delivered… but the rest of the movie isn’t that good. The only thing that it has going for is the actual human centipede and that’s pretty much it. I felt the film was very overrated.

One of the biggest problems that the film suffers from is the direction and this encompasses a lot of things. There are scenes (especially when the girls are arguing in the car or when the perverted old man talks to them) that carry on way too long and after a while you begin to get bored. Even after the human centipede is completed, some of the scenes where it tries to escape from the doctor drag and I understand the reasoning behind it; it’s for suspense but unfortunately it falls short of it. The lighting is also really weird and surrealistic, which is fine for some movies but in a case like this… an almost all-pink tone or a stale-tone scene just seems so unfitting for the film. The scene in which the mad doctor presents his human centipede is washed out in pink lighting and it just doesn’t fit. The outside scenes are so stale of color that it almost felt like a mistake rather than intentional.

Awkwardness is another problem, not that seeing somebody eat another person’s feces is awkward but some of the performances, actions and shots are so awkward that I had to think about it for a while. Case in point: when the two girls drink the water the doctor gives them, he just sits down on the couch, looking like he just shot up heroin, staring at them and they don’t think that’s weird. Or, when the doctor would just randomly stop what he’s doing, close his eyes, shakes and almost has an orgasm. The camera would follow the doctor swimming naked in the pool but would pay no attention to the human centipede as it tries to escapes… all of this just seems so random and awkward that it took me out of the film.

However, I do want to state that out of all the performances Dieter Laser is fantastic because he’s such a creep in the movie. He’s like a cross between Christopher Walken and Michael Shannon and I mean that in the best of ways and is in no way an insult. My buddy and I joked saying, “I’ve got a fever… and the only way to cure it is by making a human centipede.” I think Dieter really created a character out of this surgeon because he’s so insane and goofy, and his physical actions are over-the-top. He’s also the kind of character that you root for in the movie because none of the other character in the movie are that developed, even though they try to be. Dr. Heiter really cares for his human centipede and it’s almost touching in a disturbing kind of way and I think that’s one of the best things the film has. I only wished they dug into his back-story a little because they created such a great character, I wanted to know more about him.

If you followed the rumors, you’ll know the film is very disturbing in some scenes and I think despite some bad acting, randomness, awkwardness, plot holes, run-on scenes and questionable actions there is a silver lining to the movie. The surgery scenes is very unnerving and it will make you cringe because you get to see him cut open people’s ass cheeks and mouths. But, the most disturbing scene in the movie is the unveiling of the human centipede. Heiter gets sexually high as he photographs his work, dances around in a demonic childish manner, shows the people what he has done to them via mirror, then licks the mirror, manically laughs at himself and screams. It’s one of the most disturbing scenes I’ve seen.

I guess if you want to see a human centipede than you are in luck because this movie has one and it’s not CGI and there is no puppetry, which makes this centipede all the more lethal. I guarantee that if you go into the movie looking for anything besides a human centipede than you are not in luck because aside from that element this movie is bad. As I stated before, the only thing this film has going for it is a very disturbing medical procedure and that’s it. What I found myself doing after the film was trying to grasp how a human centipede would work and awful it must be to take a shit in somebody’s mouth or to swallow another person’s shit. That thought alone will stick with you the entire movie and it will make you think about that every time you use the bathroom. I guess if that’s what The Human Centipede wants to accomplish, it has succeeded. Personally, I still think that actual centipedes are creepier than this film; they are so small and they have too many damn legs. Lets see how the sequel to this film turns out.