The Tapes (2010)

As many of you know, I love to support indie movies so when an indie directors comes knocking at my door… I feel that it is always good to let them inside. I was recently contacted by Scott to put a good word in for a feature length movie called The Tapes. The movie was shot on a very low budget and apparently it succeeded the expectations to everyone who was involved with the film. In the words of Scott himself, “It is a ‘shot for real’ footage, involving three kids discovering a coven of devil worshippers.” So essentially it’s a found footage movie. After viewing the trailer I was intrigued. Hopefully I will have a review of the moving coming soon.

In February 2008 – police find several videotapes at the scene of a brutal crime. 3 youngsters shooting a Big Brother audition stumble upon a weird ritual taking place. The parents of the video have given their consent to bring you The Tapes. See what they saw.

Surf Nazis Must...

It may not be horror but once you watch this all the way through you’ll be horrified to look at yourself for committing time to this garbage movie. That movie is the exploitation feature Surf Nazis Must Die from Troma Studios. I had a very enlightened discussion (via Twitter) with T.L. Bugg and Nic Gibson about possible sequels to this movie. You know, if Troma is ever desperate enough to consider it… here are some possible titles and plots that they could use.

- The French Existentialist version: Surf Nazis Must Sigh

- 50’s girl group version: Big Surf Nazis Don’t Cry

- Cannibal version: Surf Nazis on Rye

- X-treme sports version: Snowboard Nazis Will Fly

- The spinoff: Line Dancing Nazis are Closeted Guys

I think it’s also funny to note that the Nazis in this movie were almost all Brunette. There were maybe 5 or 6 ‘Nazis’ that fit the Arian description, which is why Mr. Bugg was correct when he said that it’s alternative title was Surf Nazis Must Dye. Thanks for making my eyes water… after choking on my sandwich.

The Crazies Gave Me The Creeps

The Crazies: it’s a remake that has shown us, or me at least, that remakes can be scary and not just campy fun. Many remakes use tired old scares to make the audience jump and those remakes that nix these conventions try to get you with 3D. The Crazies has no 3D and clichés… but not many. No, I think what makes The Crazies so different is that it there is a certain disturbance to the movie; sort of as if everybody turned into a Bundy or Dahmer, hence being called crazies. There are many memorable scenes throughout the movie where we are given a look into the blank, emotionless actions of these crazies but three really stick out to me. Not only are they creepy but two of them are done so nonchalantly as if nothing was wrong.

One of the big reasons why I love this movie is because of the set pieces; they are so generic and reflect the Norman Rockwell age of small towns, the innocents, the playful nature of kids and warmth of a good education. That’s why I think it’s especially creepy that, situated in a classroom, government spies have gurnies of sick people tied and restrained. What made matters more creepy was when an infected scientist comes in, dragging a pitchfork, and begins using it to impale the restrained people. It’s so creepy and so uncomfortable because when you look at the scientist, just by his eyes, you can tell there isn’t any emotion or regard for life. It’s such a random act of homicide that it typifies what being ‘crazy’ is all about. I guess it’s also because the film doesn’t hold any boundaries back when letting you hear the pitchfork going through somebody’s chest cavity. Now every time I see a classroom I’ll think of a gurney rather than a desk.

Speaking of making Norman Rockwell flip out, there is a particularly disturbing scene that takes place in a baby’s room. It’s another one of those places that are meant for something good like raising a child that has been tainted because of a government weapon. Here, a mother and her son tie up the sheriff’s wife and threaten to shoot her dead after he shot her husband. I guess what makes it creepy is that it’s a mother and son pair, and the way the son looks at his mother makes it seem like he is under her control and is willing to do what she says. That twisted sense of obedience made me shiver every time I watch this. The mother kept alluding to the fact that her husband was wrongfully killed when in actuality it was because of self-defense the way her son agrees with her suggests that even if he wasn’t infected, he’d still follow her twisted revenge plan. I think it’s even more ironic that the room was meant to raise a child and yet the situation displays an example of how not to raise a child.

However, the one sequence that was scary and made me jump a few times was when the group of heroes hide in a car wash from a helicopter but unwillingly stumbled into place for dozens of crazy people to hide. I have always been freaked out by car washes because the shadows, the water and the brushes always looked like monsters trying to get in… and this sequence brought my childhood nightmare to life. The crazy people not only hide and use the brushes to their advantages but they make it so that it’s impossible to pin point them in one place, as if they were fighting gorilla style. I’ll never forget seeing one the infected people wrap a hose around one of the character’s neck, then hanging her. It was so swift and so clean that it was frightening to see the accuracy. As if they planned it.

You’ll notice there is a similarity these scenes share and it’s another reason why I love the movie. The set design not only felt like it was in a small town but it also felt like a dying town. It was stale, retro and almost ghostly. Aside from the fact that some of the creepiest moments I’ve seen in a horror movie took place there, the sets themselves were just as haunting. I’m sure as the age of remakes and sequels progresses into the new decade, the pitchfork scene will become a staple sequence in modern horror movies and for good reason. As of now it may give me the creeps but later on it will be an example of brutality at its finest. By then I will look back on it and say, “I remember when I aw that in theaters and I literally flinched my head away from the screen.”

My Bloody Good Valentine

In the age of remakes, sequels and 3D conversion it’s hard to find a movie that fits into both of these categories. 3D sequels always seem to suck. 3D remakes always seem to be worse than 3D sequels but is it possible for a champion to rise out from the ashes? I’m willing to admit that I am very hard on remakes, sequels and 3D movies but even I… while in the beginning of this trend, managed to find a movie that is not only 3D but also a remake that I enjoyed. It wasn’t intelligently written or packed with mind-blowing performances but rather a fun movie to watch. That movie is the remake of 1981’s My Bloody Valentine. The original couldn’t have been done better but I was so skeptical about the remake that I walked in knowing that it would suck. I walked out with a big grin on my face. Even after watching the original and remake side-by-side, trying to force myself to hate the remake, I still managed to like but why? I underwent an experiment to try to dissect why I love this remake so much and why it’s a step up above ‘popcorn’ status.

One of the biggest changes from both the original and standard remake conventions is the fact that the characters are not a bunch of sex-driven, idiotic teenagers. In the original the characters seemed to be young adults who are just having a good time, which was fine because it felt like a teen drama rather than a slasher. It went against what slashers were about but nowadays remakes take that formula and crank the knob on it. Now, all slashers involve teens that have sex, take drugs or drink alcohol. In fact, as many horror community members have pointed out, we want to see them get killed because they are annoying and have ‘false Hollywood’ morals. My Bloody Valentine 3D passes all of this up by making the characters more mature. They aren’t just teens drinking and having sex but rather adults that have families and inheritance to look after. It’s something that I never saw in a remake before. Tom Hanniger is about to sell of his dad’s mine and is tasked with deciding whether or not he’s right or wrong. Axel Palmer is having an affair with his wife, whom he had a child with. All these situations are adult-themed and go against the typical “my boyfriend was caught cheating with the school slut” theme.

Speaking of adults and adult situations, there is another reason why I felt this was a superior remake than most. Consider the ‘final girl.’ Why do I feel more remorse for her than any other teen girl in any given slasher movie? Well, she isn’t an idiot, she doesn’t stand there and scream all the time, she has morals, she doesn’t smoke or drink and she isn’t ‘fake.’ In fact, she has something to live for. She has a family, a husband, a child and life that she is defending from a maniac and that’s why I feel more endeared towards her. If we look at the girl that Palmer is cheating on, SHE is the typical ‘final girl’ that you’d find in most remakes and look what happens… she gets killed halfway into the movie. Perhaps the creators were trying to say something about how they feel about modern day heroines. It’s these things; these situations that the characters unwillingly get themselves into that make me feel sorry for them. It’s not their fault

The one thing that I hate about slasher remakes is that they are always flashy and what I mean by that is this: the quality of the picture looks as if the editors brought up all the reds, yellows and whites but also made the movie with glossy, goo-goo gaga, teen hotties. In the remake to Sorority Row all the girls were attractive eye candy who didn’t have brains. The picture also seemed like it was heavily color corrected to look like a damn Maxim photo. In My Bloody Valentine 3D they color corrected it to look dark, grim and gloomy. They made the tone of the picture match the atmosphere of the film and it was shocking. The grays, the blacks and the staleness fit with the ideology of a dying American Icon known as Main Street USA. I’m sure for most guys and girls the characters were attractive and I guess they would have to be but neither of them were dolled up and if they were… THEY HAD BRAINS! I was so relieved to find this movie clean of any flash. There wasn’t even a smudge of gloss.

One of my main standpoints on why remakes are terrible is because they don’t seem to try anything different and when they do they change it to the point where it’s not even the same movie. They just want to bank off the name. Nightmare on Elm Street was exactly the same as the original; nothing was that different or that special about it. Texas Chainsaw Massacre was different but too different, they could have made it into a different movie with a different title. King Kong was different but it kept to the original and expanded on the love between Kong and the actress. My Bloody Valentine is way different from the original because the stories are swapped and jumbled up into something new and fresh. However, they still have tributes to the original such as the drying machine kill or the dozens of minor outfits falling from the hangers in the warehouse. By doing this, you are literally doing what a REMAKE is; you’re using the same concept, story and idea of the original but molding it into something different. Look at some of the other great remake and compare them to the original. Vastly different but refreshing at the same time.

But perhaps the most refreshing thing about this movie, and this is something that earns it brownie points, was the casting of veteran actors Tom Atkins and Kevin Tighe. It doesn’t really matter because even remakes have great actors but to have Tom Atkins play an aging tough guy was a great treat to horror fans. You can’t have a good cult classic without Atkins and he went out the way we would want him… having his jaw ripped off from his skull. Kevin Tighe, however, was to please us obscure horror fans that would probably only know him for his roles in Rose Red or on an episode of Tales from the Crypt. These roles gave us something to admire because it’s been so long since we’ve seen either of them in something that was wide-release. If we take remakes like Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Piranha, Nightmare on Elm, Halloween or Friday the 13^th… they have ‘veteran’ actors but they’re still around. Other than My Bloody Valentine, what was the last horror movie Tighe or Atkins was in?

Another brownie point that this film has because I could have cared less whether or not they chose to do so or not was the addition of 3D. Every movie is coming out in 3D and My Bloody Valentine was one of the first, in many, movies that was unnecessarily transferred to 3D. Back then, and even now, every movie I watch in 3D hurts my eyes and I was anticipating this movie to do the same. Not only did I walk out with a big grin but also I wasn’t rubbing my eyes or head. Somehow, this movie managed to make my eyes not bleed. It’s one of two movies that did this the other was Beowulf.

Sure My Bloody Valentine won’t become as great as some of the other remakes but it became, at least to me, a symbol that there are people out there that know how to make good remakes. I’m still cynical and bitter because the chances of another MBV are slim (look at Piranha 3D) but it can happen. I was pleasantly shocked to the point where it’s hard for me to choose which movie is better because they both stand for something. The original addressed the issue of a fading Small Town USA but the remake took that issue and put it into a modern perspective about a collapsing economy where people are being fired left and right. It’s a gamble that I am not willing to take on seeing another MBV 3D but till another one surfaces, I’ll be just find with the two that I own.

Blades vs. Jaws: A Pictorial Comparison

About a month or so ago (before Christmas) I saw a Troma Release movie entitled Blades, which is about a country club that’s being terrorized by a man-shredding, wild... lawnmower. Yes, a lawnmower has run amok and it’s turning the golf course into a bloodbath so it’s up three people to hunt down and destroy this renegade machine before more people get killed. Does it sound familiar? It should. It’s sounds an awful like the movie Jaws, don’t it? Just replace the country club with a beach and the lawnmower with a shark and you got Jaws. Though, it seems everybody already knows that Blades is a parody of Jaws… but to what extent. Because I have so much time on my hands and because I have no life, I have compiled a pictorial list of similarities between the two films. I know I am missing some but I figure from what I have, it will do just fine.

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As I already explained, both movies take place at a tourist trap.

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There is the friendly Roy Scheider character.

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There is the comic relief. Perhaps the writer was making a point that Richard Dryfuss is a bit feminine.

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There is the hardboiled Quint character.

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Both movies have gaudy-dressed managers that insist on staying open despite the series of violent killings.

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A kid innocently dies in both movies.

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A group meeting is called to discuss what will happen.

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There are several instances of false alarms.

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They string up the wrong killer in both films.

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Both films make use of the killer’s perspective.

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The three hunters use some sort of vessel to hunt the “machine.”

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The characters each use markers to lure and pinpoint the killer.

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The Quint characters tell a haunting story that is of importance to the plot.

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The characters try to shoot the killer.

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The Quint characters end up getting eaten from the feet up, while on their backs.

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In each movie the vessel ends up on it’s side.

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The killer ends up exploding at the end.

Again, I know I am missing a couple key similarities like both movies have an old lady slapping the main character because someone close to her was killed, and both have the two main characters cutting the killer open to see what it ate. However, if this isn’t proof enough… check out the movie and you’ll see all the evidence you need. It’s a corny and stupid movie but it will make you want to see Jaws afterwards.

Cutting Happiness

Cut was the first short that I saw from Three Extremes. I guess that’s because when I saw the preview for this, I wanted to know why there was a woman strung up with wire. Even with my curiosity, I still managed to fall asleep during this section. This short story is about a director who gets kidnapped by one of the extras from his movie. When he wakes up he finds himself tied up, his wife gagged and strung up to a piano and next to him on a couch is a little girl. Turns out the extra wants him to do something bad otherwise he’ll cut off one of his wife’s fingers every five minutes. Sure, it sounds a little stupid but there is something at work here… it tapes into the question of why there are good people and why are there bad people?

This extra has a very interesting reason to be pissed at the director. From what he tells us, his father was alcoholic, abusive, unloving and his mother wouldn’t do anything about it. He grew up on the wrong side of the tracks and when he became a father he would drink, abuse his son and smack his wife. The director on the other hand grew up in a rich family that loved him, he worked hard to get to where he was, even if a crew member messed a shot up he would still smile it off, he has a wife whom he loves and it seems like he is content with his life. What would drive somebody to attack a person this nice and force them to do something as bad as killing a kid?

I think this movie taps into a part of us that we like to hide when we are angry or jealous. Have you ever been jealous of somebody or just angered because they seem to have everything they want and you don’t have anything? I know I have, it’s human instinct. How many people are out there that were born into abusive families, that deserve to have some shred of happiness but never gets it? I think Cut address the idea of being jealous of someone who has happiness. Its also rather sad because it’s about somebody who has been depressed, beaten and scarred and will never know what happiness is because of his upbringing. I guess knowing that will drive anybody insane.

Beautiful Dumplings

As part of a new year’s resolution I have decided to actually watch 3 Extremes in its entirety because I only got midway through Cut before I turned it off. Why? Because back then, when I was about 15 or so, I didn’t have the patience for Asian horror movies. So I gave the entire anthology another shot and I really enjoyed it. I loved it so much that I am going to write down my thoughts for each short story per day. That means, today I want to briefly discuss Dumplings, a story that is rather disturbing not only in the sense of what’s in the dumplings but how crazy people are willing to go to obtain youth and beauty.

Without spoiling anything, Dumplings is about a rich woman named Mrs. Li who is loosing her youth and beauty as she ages. She finds out that her husband is having an affair with his younger masseuse so she decides to try to rejuvenate herself. This leads her to Aunt Mei, a young chef who has claimed to have found the secret to eternal youth and beauty. The secret is baked and powdered in the form of delicious dumplings but little does the Mrs. Li realize… that the secret to the dumpling’s revitalizing power is unspeakably dark but even if she knew the secret, would she still want to eat the dumplings?

Personally, as disturbing as the ‘secret ingredient’ is I have to say that it’s even more disturbing that Mrs. Li still continues to eat the dumplings. (Okay, I just answered the question above so it’s not really a cliffhanger but still…). I think that’s what this film is mocking, just how far people are willing to go to try to make themselves look younger and to retain their beauty. It’s true! People are willing to get toxins injecting into their faces, having doctors insert liquid plastic or plastic plates to make their cheeks looks broader, chemical peels and artificial tans… all to look younger. Dumplings perfectly satirizes these people but at the same time makes a point. I think it goes further than that because all the men in this story seem to be only interested in younger women even if it means adultery or underage rape. It’s a grim comedy of replenished youth wrapped up in a nice packaged and delivered in one of the most beautifully shot horror movies I’ve seen.

The City of Confusion

After trying to obtain the movie for a long time I finally was able to sit down and watch Lucio Fulci’s City of the Living Dead or as some may know it as The Gates of Hell. Both of these titles are accurate as to what the movie is about but… I still found myself scratching my head at the end of the film. Yes, it’s rather sad that it took me such a long time to find this and throughout the entire movie I was trying to figure out what was going on. The plot, in it’s watered down form is this: a priest dies, the gates of hell are opened, a bunch of people need to close them before All Saint’s Day before the world ends. That’s really all that I could gather. In between there are maggot storms, priests making people’s intestines come out through their mouths, people getting drilled in the cheek, dead porno addicted men and whole mess of other stuff. Visually this film is arresting and it’s pretty gory but since I need to turn my brain on 110% to watch this, I think the movie warrants another watch. I believe that Fulci deals largely with experimental and that’s why I don’t seem to understand it. Either way… you win Fulci… this round, that is.

Side note: I find it really funny that the soundtrack to this sounds exactly the same as Zombi 2.