Children of the… Grendel?

It’s not very often that you get a chance to see a horror flick where the children are the enemy. It’s not very often you get a chance to see the children being possessed by a renegade kid who speaks of some mystical deity. It’s also not very often that you see children worshiping a false god while living in a secluded section of their town contemplating on killing their parents. I am of course not talking about Children of the Corn, but rather a cult classic from Troma Entertainment called Beware! Children at Play. It would be easy to get the two confused since their premise is pretty similar although if anything, Troma’s movie acts as sort of a prequel to what would be Children of the Corn. Renegade children being led by somebody who is clearly out of his mind, although there doesn’t seem to be any real hint of supernaturalism in Troma’s movie. But the similarities between the two movies are uncanny and I think that Troma did a somewhat good job of parodying King’s story.

Children of the Corn takes place somewhere in Nebraska and Beware! Children at Play takes place somewhere in the rural South. People who have a strong belief in Christianity apparently populate both towns but it’s never directly seen in Children of the Corn… only stated. Each town is secluded from any type of large populated area and people that stumble into it have that city quality to them. In Children of the Corn, the couple that ends up getting involved with everything seems to have that city quality to them considering they are on their way to Seattle. In Beware! Children at Play, though I don’t think the protagonist family ever states where they are from I think they scream “suburbia” in just the way they dress. While most of the town’s men dress in plaid flannel shirts, t-shirts, overalls or work coats, the father of the family is wearing a nice blue polo shirt. I think these are all just really over-analyzed observations that I am making, but the real similarities are when comparing the two groups of brainwashed children.

See, both groups of kids are seriously screwed up and believe in their leaders insane rambling, however it makes more sense in Children of the Corn because there is actually a supernatural creature that lives in the corn. Further investigation states that the monster is actually one of King’s great villains known as Randall Flagg who appears as the main antagonist in The Stand. In Beware! Children at Play, there doesn’t really appear to be any type of supernatural force. Some kid, 10 years prior to the film’s current setting, decides to become a cannibal after eating his literature-teaching father who was caught in a bear trap for survival. Now that somehow gave this kid incentive to kidnap the rest of the town’s kids to brainwash them by reciting Beowulf lines. It makes no sense but I guess in this world, young rural children are easily persuaded into killing and eating their parents by simply reading Beowulf. Their base of operations looks like a kid-friendly reenactment of a Native American village with teepees and bonfire pits. I get it, it probably looks makeshift because the movie is very indie and honestly I can’t complain about it.

But what about the leaders of both groups? Well, before I get into that lets talk about their “martyr” so to speak. The children in the corn worship a god named “He Who Walks Behind the Rows,” and their sub-god (I guess) is the Blue Man who happens to be the rotting corpse of a mailman. It’s creepy and very disturbing. Now, the children of Grendel worship their leader named Glen Randall (bad pun) and their “sub-god” appears to be the rotting corpse of Glen’s dad, the one who got his foot caught in the bear trap. It’s not disturbing so much as it makes you say, “Oh you kids and your crazy fads.” The similarities between The Blue Man and Glen’s dad is pretty uncanny because they are both rotting corpses who are being hunt on crosses that oversee the entire camp. Now the leader of the children of the corn is Isaac, who happens to be one of the creepiest ominous kids in the horror genre. His right-hand man is Malachi, the long red-haired teen who swings his machete around screaming, “Outlander!” The children of Grendel’s leader is also some long-haired teen who doesn’t seem to pose any type of threat and doesn’t, in any way, look scary or ominous. Other than using kids to kidnap women to rape, his motivations aren’t as creepy as Isaac’s or Malachi’s. They even go as far as to shout the same infamous quote, “Outlander!”

I don’t think I also mentioned that both cults are set up in a relatively secluded area of the town; a cornfield and the woods. But you know what Children of the Corn was missing that Beware! Children at Play had? That’s right, a montage of pointless child homicide. Yep, the townsfolk are convinced that God has turned their kids against them as a test to see if they will kill them in his name… they are that deluded over the bible. I think they even recite a story in the bible, the story of Abraham who killed his son to prove his allegiance to God. So the townsfolk gather their things, invade the camp and begin shooting, maiming, stabbing and cutting their children in one of the most hilariously bad massacres I’ve ever seen. I’m kidding; Children of the Corn didn’t need that because it was actually good. As much as this movie is really bad, I found myself enjoying it at times because it has that distinct 80’s low-budget feel that makes me feel all nostalgic.

Redneck Absurdity: A Pictorial Journey

Very rarely do I ever find a movie that is so bad that not only is it good, but also highly enjoyable, highly entertaining and forces you to take an LSD trip into dimension that you never knew existed. So, naturally I had to look into the 80’s and I stumbled upon a Troma Release movie named Redneck Zombies and apparently it has a huge cult following. It’s considered schlock at its best but I’d go further to say that it’s absurdity and insanity at its best. To properly describe that level of wackiness wouldn’t do it justice because some things you’d have to see to believe but I figure I can do some justice as to how ridiculous this film can be.

First, you gotta love how they portray hillbillies or Southern folk in this movie. It’s absolutely ridiculous, over-the-top and stereotypical… but it’s funny as hell. Every country person is either fat, dumb or missing teeth and what’s better is that one of the country bumpkins might be gay, so now you have a dumb hick who likes to wear his shirts bunched up into a knot. Surprisingly, he seems like the more intelligent one of the crowd.

Also, for some reason there is a scene that has really oily, greasy breasts getting fondled. I can’t remember but I think this was part of a porno that somebody was watching but either way, when the movie cuts directly do this you’re sort of left in awe. It’s disgustingly laughable.

If I had a dollar for every video filter that they use, I’d have enough money to eat a five-star restaurant. However, there is an upside to using programmed video filters, it makes the movie seem really dated and really corny… which, I’m sure, is what the director was going for. The scene where all the country hicks are drinking the contaminated waste (thinking it was alcohol) is so trippy that you actually feel like you’re on LSD. So, in a way, the filters are very affective.

There’s also a random scene with a woman with missing teeth, an orange plaid dress holding a baby pig in one hand and a skillet in the other. Why is she holding these things? Does it really matter?

Oh, and I love the people that end up buying the toxic waste because they are so random and they’re obviously doing something wrong but nobody really acknowledges it. For example, one woman seems to be washing her baby in a laundry machine.

In another house, the guy who buys the contaminated alcohol is a butcher with blood smeared all over his smock and his son or partner is sitting on the couch with a hostage. All he does is sits there on the couch smiling, giggling and licker her while she pleads for help yet nobody does anything. I guess it’s really common in that neck of the woods.

And we can’t forget the 2001: Space Odyssey-like dimension that we enter half way into the movie. It’s like a rainbow nightmare and only serves one purpose, to whack us out of our heads and maybe show that one character is going crazy.

Who is this character that is having this colorful hallucination? Why, somebody who has been exposed to powerful hallucinogens and thinks that the dead body in front of him is some kind of treasure chest. Harhar! Yeah, he ends up pulling out the guy’s organs thinking they’re regular objects but doesn’t realize that he’s disemboweling him.

And obviously care nobody cares about it. They just look at him like he’s crazy.

Oh and it all leads up to one gory, disgusting, blood-soaked finale that reminds me of Texas Chainsaw Massacre. So, if there is anything you should take from this post it’s to find and watch this movie. It’s hysterical for all the wrongfully right reasons and it certainly is one of the strangest zombie movie’s I’ve seen since The Video Dead. If a movie like this came out today, and if it was shot on video like this one, it would never make it and people would slam it instantly. Fortunately, you could get away with this in the 80’s and thank God Troma was around to showcase it. It’s bloody fun for the whole family and worth a watch but you must leave your brain at the door.

Surf Nazis Must...

It may not be horror but once you watch this all the way through you’ll be horrified to look at yourself for committing time to this garbage movie. That movie is the exploitation feature Surf Nazis Must Die from Troma Studios. I had a very enlightened discussion (via Twitter) with T.L. Bugg and Nic Gibson about possible sequels to this movie. You know, if Troma is ever desperate enough to consider it… here are some possible titles and plots that they could use.

- The French Existentialist version: Surf Nazis Must Sigh

- 50’s girl group version: Big Surf Nazis Don’t Cry

- Cannibal version: Surf Nazis on Rye

- X-treme sports version: Snowboard Nazis Will Fly

- The spinoff: Line Dancing Nazis are Closeted Guys

I think it’s also funny to note that the Nazis in this movie were almost all Brunette. There were maybe 5 or 6 ‘Nazis’ that fit the Arian description, which is why Mr. Bugg was correct when he said that it’s alternative title was Surf Nazis Must Dye. Thanks for making my eyes water… after choking on my sandwich.

Blades vs. Jaws: A Pictorial Comparison

About a month or so ago (before Christmas) I saw a Troma Release movie entitled Blades, which is about a country club that’s being terrorized by a man-shredding, wild... lawnmower. Yes, a lawnmower has run amok and it’s turning the golf course into a bloodbath so it’s up three people to hunt down and destroy this renegade machine before more people get killed. Does it sound familiar? It should. It’s sounds an awful like the movie Jaws, don’t it? Just replace the country club with a beach and the lawnmower with a shark and you got Jaws. Though, it seems everybody already knows that Blades is a parody of Jaws… but to what extent. Because I have so much time on my hands and because I have no life, I have compiled a pictorial list of similarities between the two films. I know I am missing some but I figure from what I have, it will do just fine.

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As I already explained, both movies take place at a tourist trap.

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There is the friendly Roy Scheider character.

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There is the comic relief. Perhaps the writer was making a point that Richard Dryfuss is a bit feminine.

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There is the hardboiled Quint character.

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Both movies have gaudy-dressed managers that insist on staying open despite the series of violent killings.

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A kid innocently dies in both movies.

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A group meeting is called to discuss what will happen.

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There are several instances of false alarms.

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They string up the wrong killer in both films.

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Both films make use of the killer’s perspective.

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The three hunters use some sort of vessel to hunt the “machine.”

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The characters each use markers to lure and pinpoint the killer.

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The Quint characters tell a haunting story that is of importance to the plot.

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The characters try to shoot the killer.

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The Quint characters end up getting eaten from the feet up, while on their backs.

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In each movie the vessel ends up on it’s side.

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The killer ends up exploding at the end.

Again, I know I am missing a couple key similarities like both movies have an old lady slapping the main character because someone close to her was killed, and both have the two main characters cutting the killer open to see what it ate. However, if this isn’t proof enough… check out the movie and you’ll see all the evidence you need. It’s a corny and stupid movie but it will make you want to see Jaws afterwards.

The 80s: When Everything Was A Weapon

It was rather surprising when I found out that Jim Mallon directed a horror movie called Blood Hook. This was the guy that produced Mystery Science Theater 3000. What was even more shocking was that Kevin Murphy composed the score for Blood Hook and was the key grip. I guess I can’t be too shocked because how else would they know how a bad movie is made for their cult TV show. What was pretty shocking was the killer of Blood Hook and he revealed something about the 80s that seemed so obvious but I never paid any attention too.

This may be a spoiler for anybody who actually wants to watch his movie. There is a murderer going around this Wisconsin community killing people by launching, via fishing pole, an over-sized fishhook into people body’s and gutting them. So yes, he is essentially killing people by fishing them. Now if you think that is ridiculous listen to the killer’s motives. See, the killer owns a bait shop that doubles as a small army exhibit. It is revealed to us that he has a metal plate lodged into his brain from when he was a soldier. Well, since this plate seems to be picking up unknown signals, mixed with the sound the cicadas make outside, it creates a wave frequency (known as the Devil’s Music or something like that) that drives him to murder. I can barely explain it because I don’t fully understand it. What does this have to do with anything I mentioned before?

I have realized, and I might be a little late on this, that in the 80s… imagination was wild and anything could be a weapon of murder. Not just knives, bats, chainsaws or any other conventional ‘lethal’ weapon but other items. In Blood Hook, a fucking fishing pole is a weapon of murder. In Blades, a lawnmower. Below is a list of common non-lethal things that have been used as weapons in horror movies during the 80s.

- Fishing pole (Blood Hook)

- Lawnmower (Blades)

- Vending machine (Maximum Overdrive)

- Arcade system (Maximum Overdrive)

- Draw bridge (Maximum Overdrive)

- Children’s doll (Child’s Play)

- Television (Videodrome)

- Fog (The Fog)

- Closets (Monster in the Closet)

- Flying piranha (Piranha II: The Spawning)

- Cockroaches (Creepshow)

- Halloween masks (Halloween III)

- Microwave (Microwave Massacre)

- Mythological god (The Keep)

- Any given ‘weapon’ from Nightmare on Elm Street

- Coffee (Children of the Corn)

- Yogurt (The Stuff)

- Wine (Street Trash)

- VCR (The Video Dead)

- Popcorn and cotton candy (Killer Klowns From Outer Space)

- Scarecrows (Scarecrows)

- Slugs (Slugs)

These are just some that come to mind. I know I am missing a lot but I can’t remember all the 80s horror movies I have seen. The point is that it takes imagination to turn a cockroach or a vending machine into a weapon. All I can say in this case is… God bless the 80s.

By the way, I find it ironic that I came up with this post a few days after this post showed up on Evil On Two Legs.

The Possible Inspirations for Poultrygeist

While watching and reviewing one of the most bat-shit insane movies out there, Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead, I realized something about the film. There are so many scenes and qualities this film shares with other notable horror movies and I don’t look at it as stealing but rather ‘homaging.’ In fact, a diehard horror fan will spot these similarities quite easily but figured that I would take the liberty into pointing them out since it’s an interesting topic of discussion. I’ll also state that I am not going to state the obvious tributes like Night of the Living Dead but rather the obscure ones that I found. Whether or not these are just coincidence or on purpose, I’ll never know unless Lloyd himself speaks up.

So here are the films that (probably) influenced Poultrygeist:

Night of the Creeps
The characters throughout this film are all named after respectable horror directors in the field such as Raimi, Cronenberg, Hooper, Carptenter and Landis. Considering this movie was almost like an all-in-one horror movie it would make sense to name the characters after the director.

Poultrygeist does the same since it’s mocking the fast-food industry and the controversy, so it names it’s characters after notable fast-food establishments like Arbie’s, Denny’s, Taco Bell, Wendy’s and Kentucky Fried Chicken. It’s all done in a satricial way.

Dreamcatcher

In this Stephen King adaptation, Jonesy and Beaver pick up a lost tourist in the woods and while housing him in their cabin he runs to the bathroom and shit out an alien. The two friends break into the bathroom after suspecting something is wrong only to find the fat tourist dead, on the floor, and blood and shit all over the bathroom and an alien in the toilet.

However, in Poultrygeist, an obese customer rushes to the bathroom with his meal to take a shit. While doing so he unwillingly craps out a giant egg and lands on the floor of the bathroom, spewing out liquid shit from his ass. Later, Arbie and Denny break into the bathroom only to find the walls covered in feces and a mutant dead bird in the toilet.

The Blob (1988)

In this classic remake, a grill cook decides to help out his fellow waitress by taking care of the clog that’s preventing the water from draining while she serves the food. Suddenly the Blob shoots out a tendril, grabs his face, and in a steam messy of blood spray it pulls his body down through the drain. The waitress then sees the cook’s foot jolt back and forth in the drain as blood sprays everywhere.

Here, Paco Bell is pissing in the meat shredder out of an act of revenge but then a mutant dead chicken pushes him into the shredder. The Muslim cook, Humice, sees Paco Bell’s feet jolting up and down as the blades are shredding him; blood is spraying everywhere of course.

From Dusk Till Dawn

In the Rodriguez/QT movie the character Frost, after killing a few vampires, stops to tell the group of survivors how he managed to pull himself through Vietnam while Sex Machine slowly turns into a vampire off to the side. Before Frost has a chance to finish Sex Machine attacks and bites him turning him into one of the vampires.

In Poultrygeist, Denny regains is story of chicken trauma to the group while General Lee Roy, after being bit, slowly turns into a mutant zombie chicken. Before Denny could have a chance to finish, Lee Roy bites his head off and turns him into a zombie chicken. The group even gathers around Denny in a semi-circle for the story.

Little Shop of Horrors

During the last few scenes of this move, Audrey II decides to take matter into her own hands and turns against Seymour and while doing so he sings a musical number entitled ‘Mean Green Mother From Outer Space.’

Aside from resembling this in the sense that it’s a horror-comedy musical, in the ends scenes the zombified-mutant-chickenized-older Arbie takes matters into his own hands and sings a song called ‘Murderous General.’

These are all the influences that I have found just based on my first viewing and I am sure there are the obvious ones and some that I have overlooked. ‘Coarse, I still enjoyed the movie I think these little horror movie nods made it worth the watch… if not the greasy fried chicken.