The True Church of the Xenomorph

Although I am still very iffy on Aliens 3, I did have a very fun time with Jeff Martin. See, I proposed the question, “Why did Newt have to die?” because I felt the movie cheated me as a result of poor screenwriting. He responded by saying, “For your sins.” From that point on things got way out of hand we inadvertently created The True Church of the Xenomorph; a church that is dedicated to worship of the Xenomorph. The logic behind this is this: since the Mayans once worshiped these creatures, what would happen if their Xenomorph based religion trailed into the 21st century? Well, Jeff and I have taken it upon us to create a list of information for those of you wishing to join the True Church of the Xenomorph.

Info Jeff has created:

• Contributing to the offering plate will be mandatory
• In the Church of the Xenomorph, Sigourney Weaver is the Devil
• They shall celebrate the Stations of the Egg.
• Behold the Melting Pen, first held by Captain Dallas, a holy icon in the Church.
• The existence of the “Space Jockey” will be hotly debated.
• Supplicants shall wear pendants depicting Ash lying on a cafeteria table.
• Those on the Xenomorph Right claim “Salvation through gestation.”
• At reenactments of the Last Supper, smoking shall be permitted and cornbread will be served.
• Ash would be a Saint.
• Church member are allowed to conceal themselves amongst the ductwork during services, if so desired.
• The True Church of the Xenomorph does not believe in the existence of so-called “Predators.”
• Services are not to be dismissed with the phrase, “Game over, man.”
• Liberal Xenomorphs have been known to sing “Hello, My Honey” during Sabbat celebrations.
• Excommunication from The True Church of the Xenomorph is called “Ripleyfication.”
• Suppression of the gag reflex is encouraged by Church Elders.
• The prophets, O’Bannon and Shusett, are responsible for creating the Xenomorphic Scriptures.
• The True Church of the Xenomoprh never serves deviled eggs at their pot-luck diners.
• Visitors to the TCotX are always impressed by the low-lying, ankle high mist in the Sanctuary.
• Some Xenos subscribe to the teachings of Saint Jeunet, but they are largely considered to be heretics.
• The Church’s main holidays are Xeaster and Xmas
• Church growth is dictated by how often the deep salvage ships come by, usually once every fifty-seven years.
• The Church holds artificial persons in high regard, often giving them roles as bodyguards or protectors.
• Those who claim to have found another Gospel of the Xenomorph are known as “Xenomormons.”
• Xenovah’s Witnesses believe only 144.000 eggs will be laid.
• Xenomormons have been persecuted for their belief in poly-chestbursting.
• Xenomormons believe that the crew of the SULACO were one of the lost twelve tribes of Homeworld.
• Xenovah’s Witnesses are aggressive proseltyzers, going from planet to planet, wearing nice suits and carrying tracts.
• Xenomormonism is often confused with Scientology, which offends Xenomormons greatly.
• Xenomormons tend to build colonies on the Great Salt Planet, U-TAH 518.
• Acolytes must spend four years in Xeminary before obtaining a parish of their own.
• Communion in the TCotX consists of lime green lemonade and cornbread.
• Xenomorphs refer to purgatory as “the airlock.”
• The True Church of the Xenomorph values strength over beauty, hence the saying, “There’s no phase like drone.”
• Xenomorph worshipers can not love, but they will admire your purity.

Info I have created:

• The pews will be designed with Giger-like architecture.
• As a woman, giving yourself up for the egg harvest will be a great honor.
• A cup of lime green lemonade would be offered as drinking the blood of the Xenomomorph.
• Mass anit-Weyland propaganda will be handed out in masses. Bishop cyborgs will be offered as temporary sacrifices.
• The Last Supper will depict the entire crew of the Nostromos during their last ‘supper’ including Ash and Kane.
• To purify someone would involve either acid or a dirty magazine down the throat.
• Ash would be a martyr.
• Cats, especially orange tabbies, would symbolize bad luck and should be avoided.
• Referring to the mass or any Xenomorph worshiping ceremonies as a “bug hunt” would be considered taboo.
• The True Church of the Xenomorph only accepts the Xenomorph as the intelligent being in the Universe. Everything else is below it.
• Xenomorph worshipers understand the parody behind SPACEBALLS but still regard the species as the supreme leaders of the Universe.
• More Conservative Xenomorphs worshipers have been known to base hymns off of unfinished works by jerry Goldsmith.
• ‘Exorcisms’ or ‘Xenomorphisms’ are welcome as a sign of good faith and those who are ‘possessed’ are seen as ‘blessed.’
• During Xeaster the painting of Xenomorph eggs in warpaint is considered as a respectable duty.
• Saint Scott and Saint Cameron are regarded as the people who founded The True Church of the Xenomorph.
• Those who disobey any of the 10 Xeno-Commandments are sent to hell or as the Church calls it the Nostromo.
• Genetic tampering of Xenomorph eggs is forbidden. Failure to do so would result in Ripleyfication.
• Worshipers who shave their heads are actually honoring the fall of their adjacent brethren species. It’s sort of an ironic worship.
• Saint Giger is seen as the only person who has properly depicted the Xenomorph in its true shape and landscape.
• Those who break away from the Xenomorph founded the Xenovah’s Witnesses. They’re book of grace is called the Space Tower.
• Xenomormons don’t believe that the Xenomorphs have visited Earth but rather observe it.
• Xenomormons also believe that they were, in fact, two different Nostromos and therefore two different Xenomorphs.
• Strangely enough, Xenovah’s Witnesses are the nicest among the Xenomorph religion.
• True Xenomorph worshipers know not to call out to a Xenomorph by saying “here kitty, kitty, kitty.” (By Jeff): This lesson is taught in The Parable of Britt, a beloved Xenomorphic Bible story.
• Xenuns during Sunday services tell young worshipers of the courageous tales of Saint Ash and Bishop II.
• One such Xenomormon colony, LV-426, was destroyed by Xenomorphs because they didn’t observe proper Xeno-prayer.
• In Xenomorphic studies, young worshipers are offered a noble position as a Xlater Boy. Adults are offered a role as Xeacons.
• Xenomorph believers recognize the Xeno-trinity: The Xather, The Xeon and the Xeno-spirit.
• A common phrase in Xenomorph worshipers is “It’s got a wonderful defense mechanism. You don’t dare kill it.”
• Xenomorph worshipers understand that they mostly come out at night. Mostly.

So, knowing these rules… won’t you come and join The True Church of the Xenomorph. We offer a wide range of assistance, salvation and gestation. So, why not consider Xenomorph worship as new religion… and remember, you eternal being can be gestated through our services.