Saturday, January 29, 2011

The Tapes (2010)

As many of you know, I love to support indie movies so when an indie directors comes knocking at my door… I feel that it is always good to let them inside. I was recently contacted by Scott to put a good word in for a feature length movie called The Tapes. The movie was shot on a very low budget and apparently it succeeded the expectations to everyone who was involved with the film. In the words of Scott himself, “It is a ‘shot for real’ footage, involving three kids discovering a coven of devil worshippers.” So essentially it’s a found footage movie. After viewing the trailer I was intrigued. Hopefully I will have a review of the moving coming soon.

In February 2008 – police find several videotapes at the scene of a brutal crime. 3 youngsters shooting a Big Brother audition stumble upon a weird ritual taking place. The parents of the video have given their consent to bring you The Tapes. See what they saw.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Surf Nazis Must...

It may not be horror but once you watch this all the way through you’ll be horrified to look at yourself for committing time to this garbage movie. That movie is the exploitation feature Surf Nazis Must Die from Troma Studios. I had a very enlightened discussion (via Twitter) with T.L. Bugg and Nic Gibson about possible sequels to this movie. You know, if Troma is ever desperate enough to consider it… here are some possible titles and plots that they could use.

- The French Existentialist version: Surf Nazis Must Sigh

- 50’s girl group version: Big Surf Nazis Don’t Cry

- Cannibal version: Surf Nazis on Rye

- X-treme sports version: Snowboard Nazis Will Fly

- The spinoff: Line Dancing Nazis are Closeted Guys

I think it’s also funny to note that the Nazis in this movie were almost all Brunette. There were maybe 5 or 6 ‘Nazis’ that fit the Arian description, which is why Mr. Bugg was correct when he said that it’s alternative title was Surf Nazis Must Dye. Thanks for making my eyes water… after choking on my sandwich.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

The Crazies Gave Me The Creeps

The Crazies: it’s a remake that has shown us, or me at least, that remakes can be scary and not just campy fun. Many remakes use tired old scares to make the audience jump and those remakes that nix these conventions try to get you with 3D. The Crazies has no 3D and clichés… but not many. No, I think what makes The Crazies so different is that it there is a certain disturbance to the movie; sort of as if everybody turned into a Bundy or Dahmer, hence being called crazies. There are many memorable scenes throughout the movie where we are given a look into the blank, emotionless actions of these crazies but three really stick out to me. Not only are they creepy but two of them are done so nonchalantly as if nothing was wrong.

One of the big reasons why I love this movie is because of the set pieces; they are so generic and reflect the Norman Rockwell age of small towns, the innocents, the playful nature of kids and warmth of a good education. That’s why I think it’s especially creepy that, situated in a classroom, government spies have gurnies of sick people tied and restrained. What made matters more creepy was when an infected scientist comes in, dragging a pitchfork, and begins using it to impale the restrained people. It’s so creepy and so uncomfortable because when you look at the scientist, just by his eyes, you can tell there isn’t any emotion or regard for life. It’s such a random act of homicide that it typifies what being ‘crazy’ is all about. I guess it’s also because the film doesn’t hold any boundaries back when letting you hear the pitchfork going through somebody’s chest cavity. Now every time I see a classroom I’ll think of a gurney rather than a desk.

Speaking of making Norman Rockwell flip out, there is a particularly disturbing scene that takes place in a baby’s room. It’s another one of those places that are meant for something good like raising a child that has been tainted because of a government weapon. Here, a mother and her son tie up the sheriff’s wife and threaten to shoot her dead after he shot her husband. I guess what makes it creepy is that it’s a mother and son pair, and the way the son looks at his mother makes it seem like he is under her control and is willing to do what she says. That twisted sense of obedience made me shiver every time I watch this. The mother kept alluding to the fact that her husband was wrongfully killed when in actuality it was because of self-defense the way her son agrees with her suggests that even if he wasn’t infected, he’d still follow her twisted revenge plan. I think it’s even more ironic that the room was meant to raise a child and yet the situation displays an example of how not to raise a child.

However, the one sequence that was scary and made me jump a few times was when the group of heroes hide in a car wash from a helicopter but unwillingly stumbled into place for dozens of crazy people to hide. I have always been freaked out by car washes because the shadows, the water and the brushes always looked like monsters trying to get in… and this sequence brought my childhood nightmare to life. The crazy people not only hide and use the brushes to their advantages but they make it so that it’s impossible to pin point them in one place, as if they were fighting gorilla style. I’ll never forget seeing one the infected people wrap a hose around one of the character’s neck, then hanging her. It was so swift and so clean that it was frightening to see the accuracy. As if they planned it.

You’ll notice there is a similarity these scenes share and it’s another reason why I love the movie. The set design not only felt like it was in a small town but it also felt like a dying town. It was stale, retro and almost ghostly. Aside from the fact that some of the creepiest moments I’ve seen in a horror movie took place there, the sets themselves were just as haunting. I’m sure as the age of remakes and sequels progresses into the new decade, the pitchfork scene will become a staple sequence in modern horror movies and for good reason. As of now it may give me the creeps but later on it will be an example of brutality at its finest. By then I will look back on it and say, “I remember when I aw that in theaters and I literally flinched my head away from the screen.”

Thursday, January 20, 2011

My Bloody Good Valentine

In the age of remakes, sequels and 3D conversion it’s hard to find a movie that fits into both of these categories. 3D sequels always seem to suck. 3D remakes always seem to be worse than 3D sequels but is it possible for a champion to rise out from the ashes? I’m willing to admit that I am very hard on remakes, sequels and 3D movies but even I… while in the beginning of this trend, managed to find a movie that is not only 3D but also a remake that I enjoyed. It wasn’t intelligently written or packed with mind-blowing performances but rather a fun movie to watch. That movie is the remake of 1981’s My Bloody Valentine. The original couldn’t have been done better but I was so skeptical about the remake that I walked in knowing that it would suck. I walked out with a big grin on my face. Even after watching the original and remake side-by-side, trying to force myself to hate the remake, I still managed to like but why? I underwent an experiment to try to dissect why I love this remake so much and why it’s a step up above ‘popcorn’ status.

One of the biggest changes from both the original and standard remake conventions is the fact that the characters are not a bunch of sex-driven, idiotic teenagers. In the original the characters seemed to be young adults who are just having a good time, which was fine because it felt like a teen drama rather than a slasher. It went against what slashers were about but nowadays remakes take that formula and crank the knob on it. Now, all slashers involve teens that have sex, take drugs or drink alcohol. In fact, as many horror community members have pointed out, we want to see them get killed because they are annoying and have ‘false Hollywood’ morals. My Bloody Valentine 3D passes all of this up by making the characters more mature. They aren’t just teens drinking and having sex but rather adults that have families and inheritance to look after. It’s something that I never saw in a remake before. Tom Hanniger is about to sell of his dad’s mine and is tasked with deciding whether or not he’s right or wrong. Axel Palmer is having an affair with his wife, whom he had a child with. All these situations are adult-themed and go against the typical “my boyfriend was caught cheating with the school slut” theme.

Speaking of adults and adult situations, there is another reason why I felt this was a superior remake than most. Consider the ‘final girl.’ Why do I feel more remorse for her than any other teen girl in any given slasher movie? Well, she isn’t an idiot, she doesn’t stand there and scream all the time, she has morals, she doesn’t smoke or drink and she isn’t ‘fake.’ In fact, she has something to live for. She has a family, a husband, a child and life that she is defending from a maniac and that’s why I feel more endeared towards her. If we look at the girl that Palmer is cheating on, SHE is the typical ‘final girl’ that you’d find in most remakes and look what happens… she gets killed halfway into the movie. Perhaps the creators were trying to say something about how they feel about modern day heroines. It’s these things; these situations that the characters unwillingly get themselves into that make me feel sorry for them. It’s not their fault

The one thing that I hate about slasher remakes is that they are always flashy and what I mean by that is this: the quality of the picture looks as if the editors brought up all the reds, yellows and whites but also made the movie with glossy, goo-goo gaga, teen hotties. In the remake to Sorority Row all the girls were attractive eye candy who didn’t have brains. The picture also seemed like it was heavily color corrected to look like a damn Maxim photo. In My Bloody Valentine 3D they color corrected it to look dark, grim and gloomy. They made the tone of the picture match the atmosphere of the film and it was shocking. The grays, the blacks and the staleness fit with the ideology of a dying American Icon known as Main Street USA. I’m sure for most guys and girls the characters were attractive and I guess they would have to be but neither of them were dolled up and if they were… THEY HAD BRAINS! I was so relieved to find this movie clean of any flash. There wasn’t even a smudge of gloss.

One of my main standpoints on why remakes are terrible is because they don’t seem to try anything different and when they do they change it to the point where it’s not even the same movie. They just want to bank off the name. Nightmare on Elm Street was exactly the same as the original; nothing was that different or that special about it. Texas Chainsaw Massacre was different but too different, they could have made it into a different movie with a different title. King Kong was different but it kept to the original and expanded on the love between Kong and the actress. My Bloody Valentine is way different from the original because the stories are swapped and jumbled up into something new and fresh. However, they still have tributes to the original such as the drying machine kill or the dozens of minor outfits falling from the hangers in the warehouse. By doing this, you are literally doing what a REMAKE is; you’re using the same concept, story and idea of the original but molding it into something different. Look at some of the other great remake and compare them to the original. Vastly different but refreshing at the same time.

But perhaps the most refreshing thing about this movie, and this is something that earns it brownie points, was the casting of veteran actors Tom Atkins and Kevin Tighe. It doesn’t really matter because even remakes have great actors but to have Tom Atkins play an aging tough guy was a great treat to horror fans. You can’t have a good cult classic without Atkins and he went out the way we would want him… having his jaw ripped off from his skull. Kevin Tighe, however, was to please us obscure horror fans that would probably only know him for his roles in Rose Red or on an episode of Tales from the Crypt. These roles gave us something to admire because it’s been so long since we’ve seen either of them in something that was wide-release. If we take remakes like Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Piranha, Nightmare on Elm, Halloween or Friday the 13th… they have ‘veteran’ actors but they’re still around. Other than My Bloody Valentine, what was the last horror movie Tighe or Atkins was in?

Another brownie point that this film has because I could have cared less whether or not they chose to do so or not was the addition of 3D. Every movie is coming out in 3D and My Bloody Valentine was one of the first, in many, movies that was unnecessarily transferred to 3D. Back then, and even now, every movie I watch in 3D hurts my eyes and I was anticipating this movie to do the same. Not only did I walk out with a big grin but also I wasn’t rubbing my eyes or head. Somehow, this movie managed to make my eyes not bleed. It’s one of two movies that did this the other was Beowulf.

Sure My Bloody Valentine won’t become as great as some of the other remakes but it became, at least to me, a symbol that there are people out there that know how to make good remakes. I’m still cynical and bitter because the chances of another MBV are slim (look at Piranha 3D) but it can happen. I was pleasantly shocked to the point where it’s hard for me to choose which movie is better because they both stand for something. The original addressed the issue of a fading Small Town USA but the remake took that issue and put it into a modern perspective about a collapsing economy where people are being fired left and right. It’s a gamble that I am not willing to take on seeing another MBV 3D but till another one surfaces, I’ll be just find with the two that I own.

Friday, January 14, 2011

horror Blogger Cuisine: Food & Horror Movies Part 2

Still hungry? Well you are in luck. A lot of horror bloggers have sent me so many suggestions that I had to create a whole new post for the dinner and dessert menu. I hope you are hungry because we are diving into a smorgasbord of food and horror.

Appetizer

Mozzarella sticks – Nightmare on Elm Street (HorrO)

These delicious sticks come breaded in fine, seasoned breadcrumbs and packed with oh-so gooey, stringy, juicy mozzarella cheese. Their deep fried crunchy taste compliments the burnt, brittle skin of Freddy’s fingers. And what better dip to use than a nice small bowl of saucy marinara? It’s the perfect meal starter to go with such an appetizing movie.

Deviled Egg eyeballs – Halloween (Drive-In Dan)

Michael may have the eyes of a monster and no personality but that doesn’t mean you have to either. Why not celebrate the Halloween dinner by giving your family something nifty for an appetizer? These hardboiled, green-colored, olive ridden treats are perfect to show off your more morbid but playful side. Remember, behind the mask may be a monster but even a monster couldn’t resist this starter.

Dinner

Angel hair pasta – The Grudge (Jeff Martin)

Treat your family to a nice Italian dish and a great surrealistic Asian horror flick. This creamy, delicate plate of fresh angel hair pasta accents the epitome of the powerful grudge in the film. The long, smooth, white pasta is the perfect balance to the Grudge’s blank, stringy hairs of death. It’s such a perfect combination that you might actually be eating all your grudges away.

Roasted chicken – Night of the Living Dead (Donna Bleed)

Gather around the big ‘ol table, pop in your favorite family horror romp and carve into a nice bronzed, buttery, roasted chicken. It’s the perfect meal for the family while they enjoy Romero’s uneasy, social breakdown of society. The chicken may be dead but that doesn’t mean you or your family has to. Appreciate your loved ones and realize that putting a bullet in their brains is the loving thing to do when they try to attack you… but not before you enjoy your delicious Butterball chicken.

Rack of ribs – Texas Chainsaw Massacre (B-Stank)

Slather some nice, big, juicy, fresh ribs up with any type of barbecue sauce you can think while you enjoy this gritty, summer based horror flick. There is no other way to celebrate a good ‘ol fashion Texas chainsaw massacre than to cook up some ribs. Those delicious, moist, soft rib mean just rolls off the bones as you watch the Sawyer family devour the bodies of six youths. It’s a perfect dish to any summer cannibal movie.

Pizza – House of the Devil (StuBoo)

Don’t feel like cooking or preparing something big, or maybe you are not in the mood for something too brutal or mind boggling… than order a nice pizza with your choice of toppings! It’s simple, standard and yet very refreshing. It’s a perfect pair to the refreshing yet simple House of the Devil. But remember, the voices or growls you hear in your house are just the sounds of your stomach.

Casserole – The Toxic Avenger (Donna Bleed)

Freshly baked from the ovens of Tromaville, this seemingly disgusting bowl of what looks like toxic waste is actually a delicious freshly made casserole. It’s no wonder why such a dish would be paired up with The Toxic Avenger. The soft, buttery green beans matches to Toxie’s green, bubbly skin and the rest of the casserole accents the cheese that can be found throughout the movie.

Cheesy spaghetti ‘n sauce – Cube Zero (Kristin)

You don’t need an advanced degree in geometry to love spaghetti marinated in melted, gooey cheese and fresh made marinara. This dish explodes with flavor as it rolls down your throat. The red marinara goes well with the rich red blood of Cube Zero’s kills, the oh-so gooey cheese is a perfect match for the film’s cheesy acting and the warm delicate noodles are a must for the film’s somewhat stringy plot. You may be wondering why you were trapped in a giant tesseract, but you’ll be glad they at least gave you this flavorful dish.

Beef tartare – Day of the Dead (Drive-In Dan)

In the mood for something a little more meaty and mashed? Dive into a nice slab of soft, pink, ground beef seasoned with your favorite herbs and spices. This delicate dish fit with any ‘living dead’ movie but is an even better match with Day of the Dead. The soft, pink texture of this dish highlights some of the greatest bullet-to-brain kill shots in the film, as they burst with chunks of red, juicy goodness. Enjoy this dish on some garlic bread chips, or with an egg yolk, or raw and juicy the way Bub likes it.

Country fried steak and corn on the cob – Critters (Barry Goodall)

Spending the weekend on the farm and don’t know what to watch or cook? Than country fried steak, a side of nice buttered corn on the cob and Critters is the perfect thing for you? This delicious dish consists of lightly breaded, tender, juicy, all-natural steak with creamy, warm gravy drizzled over it. It’s a great choice as you watch the Crites devour some man flesh of their own. But you shouldn’t take the film, or this dish too seriously so serve up some juicy, yellow corn on the cob to match the film’s buttery goodness.

Dessert

Fudge tracks ice cream – The Human Centipede (Matt Suzaka)

In the mood for something a little more unusual for dessert? Want something a little more daring? Than open up lid and help yourself to a serving of nice Fudge tracks ice cream while you watch three people get sewn from buttocks to mouth. You’ll wonder why this perfectly, smooth and creamy ice cream fits well with such a vile movie. Wonder no more.

Cake – Happy Birthday To Me (Donna Bleed)

What better way to celebrate meal’s end than with the family dead or alive. Strap the corpses in, force those that are living to stay and bring out the fresh, sugary smelling cake for all to enjoy. This soft, spongy, buttery cake is perfect for anybody with a sweet tooth and what better way to cure it with a slice of cake and lovely, warm-hearted movie about celebrating your long-lost sister’s birthday?

Baked Alaska – The Thing (Donna Bleed)

Want something along the lines of hot and cold? Than baked Alaska is the thing for you. This delicious dessert consists of soft-serve ice cream, lined with slices of buttery smooth sponge cake, fluffy pudding and topped with meringue. It’s a perfect compliment to The Things motto: the best things are better off warm and gooey. However, it is traditional to yell out “Yeah, fuck you too!” as you set ablaze your dessert.

Sno-caps – The Shining (Chandra Repple)

These delicious but simple treats are just eager to get out of their box, just like Jack Torrence and the Overlook. Pop open a box of these morsels, sit back, enjoy the nice fire as you treat yourself to a brutal, psychological horror flick. They may seem like an odd pair but you’ll feel a little more secure with them melting in your mouth.

Roasted Marshmallows – Friday the 13th (Drive-In Dan)

Bring out the bond fire; grab a couple of sticks and some marshmallows ‘cause were going camping! This campfire favorite is the perfect treat while you watch the campgrounds of Crystal Lake turn red with blood. The warm gooey marshmallow middle praises the films sticky plot and it’s bronzed exterior foreshadows the half-baked stories soon to come.

Funnel cake – The Funhouse (Barry Goodall)

Experience the fun of being at the fair without ever leaving your house! This delicious, sweetened dessert is perfect for anybody who wants to watch an equally sweet romantic horror flick. The crisp, golden, flakey cake batter melts in your mouth jus as the film descends into a colorful nightmare. The rich, powdery sugar sprinkled across the treat reminds you that in the grand scheme of horror movies, The Funhouse really is a fun movie.

Drinks

Red Bull and cranberry juice – Re-Animator (The Strange Kid)

Want to spruce up your evening? Well, you don’t need a vile of glowing green liquid to do so. This wonderful yet energetic mix of Red Bull and cranberry juice is just the thing. It’s powerful thrust of energy matches with the films absurdity and the thirst-quenching taste of cranberry juice adds to the film’s blood soaked story. It’s a perfect drink to kick back to.

EXTRA BONUS SUGGESTION

As an extra bonus, Nicole Mikuzi and Megan Owens of Slash & Dine gave me great food write-up. Here is their contribution!

Rosemary’s Baby Back Ribs with Rosemary Potatoes

A simple plot with an amazing outcome can only be paired with a simple dish that comes out oh so good. We like to nestle in to a night of terror watching Rosemary’s Baby with a big plate of freshly butchered ribs and a side of baked potatoes. Add some rosemary herb to those potatoes to compliment the sweet and savory barbecue sauce on the ribs and your mouth will thank you. This dish is absolutely devilish and lets face it, Rosemary could have used some meat on those bones. Stay turned to Brutal As Hell’s Slash & Dine column to get the full recipe and some drink ideas to wash it all down.

I want to thank everybody who helped me out with this. It took a lot of time to give out good descriptions of the dish, to find the right graphics, to organize them and to make sure that everybody got in. Again, not many people made it to the final write up but maybe I might do this again sometime… ‘cause you can’t get enough food and horror.

I would really like to thank the editing staff of Lost Highway for giving me so many good suggestions that I had to take a step back to scream. Thanks guys, you made the list all the more longer!!

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Horror Blogger Cuisine: Food & Horror Movies

A while ago (about a week or so) my buddies Dod and The Grave Stomper were talking about food and horror movies. I’m not sure why we brought it up but it inspired me to think about what types of food go with different types of horror movies. I was suddenly reminded of all those books on pairing up good food with good wine… so I asked around the horror blogger community to see what are some of their favorite food and horror movie combinations. I complied a ‘menu’ of different types of pairings and maybe it might inspire some of you to try these combinations. So I give you the horror blogger Food & Horror Movies ‘cookbook.’

NOTE: Not everybody's suggestions made it in. I had to cut things out for length.

Breakfast

Jell-O & Slither (by Matt Suzaka)

What can be better than waking up to a nice plate of chilled red Jell-O and your favorite killer alien movie? With its sharp flavor of cherry, its vibrant color of red, and its wet gelatin body… this all-American dish is a perfect morning starter alongside the classic alien invasion movie Slither.

Brunch

Tapioca pudding – The Fly ’86 (by Matt Suzaka)

Have you ever had that craving of something white, goopy and good tasting while watching BrundleFly puke up a nice glob of vomit for his victims? With its white, saucy goodness… tapioca pudding is the best combination for such a movie. It’s stale yellow and white coloring compliments the warm bile rising of BrundleFly and makes the entire dish a must for late mornings.

Toasted cheese sandwich – Psycho 2 (by Drive-In Dan)

Just like the way mother use to make them, these wonderful sandwiches are perfect for filling you up just long enough till lunchtime rolls around. Their toasted, bronzed bread compliments the wooden exterior of the Bates Motel and their yellow, smooth, stringy cheese fits perfectly for what lies at the heart of Psycho 2.

Lunch

Tempura shrimp – Ichi The Killer (by Jeff Martin)

This crunchy, sweetened display of shrimp goes great with a side of fresh cooked soba and a nice bowl of donburi, but they also compliment the hardened masochistic personality of Ichi the Killer. What better way to start off the afternoon with a delicious taste that stuns the taste buds and a sadistic, bloody movie to earn you confidence for the rest of the day?

Fried Chicken – House of 1000 Corpses (by Donna Bleed)

It’s okay to spoil yourself every now and then; so diving into a big bucket of crunchy, seasoned fried chicken is a must for a quick afternoon lunch. The juicy, white meat fits well with a serving of Rob Zombie’s acid trip movie House of 1000 Corpses. With Captain Spaulding’s secret recipe, we’re sure you will crazy figuring out why it tastes so good. Remember, the secret is in the meat.

Sloppy Joes – Re-Animator (by Chad Morelock)

Who could resist the fragrance of dead, fresh-cooked, shredded meat slathered on a sesame bun? Sloppy Joes are the perfect taste quencher for any afternoon and go better while watching a simple movie about the dead coming back to life. The wonderful, soft-tasting beef compliments the shredded, bloody mess of a film that is Re-Animator. The Sloppy Joes’ own meat juices and the pool of blood where Carl’s head lies in have been said to be a match made in Heaven.

White rice –The Lost Boys (by Corin White)

Not in the mood for something big or filling for lunch? Don’t fret, for we have the solution for you. Steamed white rice! Though not much to look at, these delicious white rice pellets go great topped with smooth, creamy butter or battered in flakes of cinnamon and sugar. This delicious dish fits well with any blood-sucker movie, but many have found this to go best along side The Lost Boys.

Cheeseburger – Halloween II (by Terry Coe)

Are you in the mood for some good old fashion, all-American cooking? Then grab the buns and pop on a cheesy movie because cheeseburgers will be on the menu. Covered, in goopy cheese and resting on a slightly toasted bun, these wonderful sandwiches go hand in hand while watching of the cheesiest movies of all time… Halloween II. Let the warm juices sooth your soul while your eyes feast upon the overdone mess of Halloween II.

Italian sausage – Demons (by Barry Goodall)

Who could resist the smell of delicious, smoked Italian sausage resting on the grill and the visual of seeing demons attacking those you love? With Italian sausage, you can’t go wrong. The sausages pink, white spotted outer casing and its juicy, white, crunchy inside perfectly atones to the deformed, greasy, spotted skin of those possessed by demons. It’s a light lunch but Demons is a sure thing to wake you up for the next half of the day.

Snacks

Beefy nachos – The Thing (by Dod March)

Though it may look like a pile of deformed, twisted and melted skin… it’s a perfect fit for a movie as gory and bloody as The Thing. The nachos give the viewer that sensation of bones crunching and breaking as the Thing slowly turns into the animal/person that it infected. The mounds of fresh ground beef and cheese give the viewer that feeling of slurping down the remains of whatever the Thing assimilated. Though it may just be a snack at first, it will definitely get you ready for supper.

Bacon-Wrapped Grapes – The Hills Have Eyes (by The Strange Kid)

What can be better than enjoying a nice bowl of bacon-wrapped grapes and your favorite family cannibalistic movie? This flavorful snack comes with crispy, hickory-smoked bacon delicately wrapping a juicy purple grape and fried to golden perfection. It’s a perfect snack that goes great while watching a extreme, graphic depictions of deformed mutants munching down on raw man-flesh. Either way you slice it, it’s a great meal to tide you over till supper.

Gummy Bears – The Blob (by McBastard)

Ah yes, why not relive your days of childhood playtime, innocents and the fear of the unknown in space? These little rubbery pieces of confectionary, colored by the rainbows, are an ideal matchup while watching the same red-rubbery substance eat, mangle and terrorize small town America. The gummy bear’s rubbery exterior makes the viewer wonder, what if I really am eating the Blob? And if so, would it devour my insides like an infectious parasite?

Peanut butter pickles – Evil Dead (by The Strange Kid)

Ever love the sour, wet taste of pickles and the war, creamy, nutty taste of peanut butter? Well, peanut butter pickle sandwiches are a must for you! This wonderful delicacy fits with any choice of Evil Dead movie but many people found themselves enjoying it with the original. The warm buttery taste of peanuts assures us that it’s a movie that’s not meant to be serious but the sour, sharp tastes of pickles remind the viewer that it is a horror movie.

Fish sticks – Piranha (by Donna Bleed)

Think about the nice cool breeze brushing up against your hair, the smell of the catch of the day, the blood soaked waters crashing up on your boat… it’s another afternoon on the high seas. With these deep fried and battered fish sticks and a flick about killer piranha, who can go wrong? The rich stank of over-processed fish tribute the rank and cheesy Jaws rip off. But look at it this way; it’s better to eat fish than to have one eat you.

Pop rocks – The Tingler (by Donna Bleed)

We all love pop rocks and we all love that special little tingling feel that we get in the back of our throats when we have them, so, what better way to honor that sensation by watching The Tingler? With its creepy composition and its frightening creature design, it’s sure to send shivers down your already tingling spine. The only good thing is that you don’t have to worry about the Tinger… for now.

Fluffernutter sandwich – The Stuff (by T.L. Bugg)

This wonderful sandwiched blend of rich, creamy peanut butter and white, fluffy, sweetened marshmallow crème is perfect for anybody who is in the mood for a light snack and a light horror flick. The creamy white filling compliments the rich, exuberant visual of the Stuff mounding up on people ready to devour them. With how rich in flavor this snack is you’ll wonder why your mouth hasn’t exploded with marshmallow froth.

Roasted sunflower seeds – The Birds (by Drive-In Dan)

We’re taking a trip to the farm! These wonderfully, flavorful, salted treats are a perfect snack before supper. Though they aren’t as popular today as they were back then, this nostalgic trip isn’t complete without a little movie known as The Birds. With their crunchy shells and delicious center, it’s no wonder why they go good with such a film.

Potato chips – Lifeforce (by Barry Goodall)

Crack open a nice bag of sea-salted potato chips as you dive into this sci-fi classic. The wonderful taste of fresh cut potatoes, gentle ridges and salted sides make this combination a much for anybody that wants a little snack. While your enjoying your this wonderfully colorful, effects-ridden gem you may find yourself asking why this combination works so well… the answer is in the movie.

STAY HUNGRY FOR PART II

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Blades vs. Jaws: A Pictorial Comparison

About a month or so ago (before Christmas) I saw a Troma Release movie entitled Blades, which is about a country club that’s being terrorized by a man-shredding, wild... lawnmower. Yes, a lawnmower has run amok and it’s turning the golf course into a bloodbath so it’s up three people to hunt down and destroy this renegade machine before more people get killed. Does it sound familiar? It should. It’s sounds an awful like the movie Jaws, don’t it? Just replace the country club with a beach and the lawnmower with a shark and you got Jaws. Though, it seems everybody already knows that Blades is a parody of Jaws… but to what extent. Because I have so much time on my hands and because I have no life, I have compiled a pictorial list of similarities between the two films. I know I am missing some but I figure from what I have, it will do just fine.

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As I already explained, both movies take place at a tourist trap.

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There is the friendly Roy Scheider character.

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There is the comic relief. Perhaps the writer was making a point that Richard Dryfuss is a bit feminine.

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There is the hardboiled Quint character.

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Both movies have gaudy-dressed managers that insist on staying open despite the series of violent killings.

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A kid innocently dies in both movies.

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A group meeting is called to discuss what will happen.

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There are several instances of false alarms.

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They string up the wrong killer in both films.

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Both films make use of the killer’s perspective.

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The three hunters use some sort of vessel to hunt the “machine.”

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The characters each use markers to lure and pinpoint the killer.

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The Quint characters tell a haunting story that is of importance to the plot.

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The characters try to shoot the killer.

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The Quint characters end up getting eaten from the feet up, while on their backs.

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In each movie the vessel ends up on it’s side.

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The killer ends up exploding at the end.

Again, I know I am missing a couple key similarities like both movies have an old lady slapping the main character because someone close to her was killed, and both have the two main characters cutting the killer open to see what it ate. However, if this isn’t proof enough… check out the movie and you’ll see all the evidence you need. It’s a corny and stupid movie but it will make you want to see Jaws afterwards.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Cutting Happiness

Cut was the first short that I saw from Three Extremes. I guess that’s because when I saw the preview for this, I wanted to know why there was a woman strung up with wire. Even with my curiosity, I still managed to fall asleep during this section. This short story is about a director who gets kidnapped by one of the extras from his movie. When he wakes up he finds himself tied up, his wife gagged and strung up to a piano and next to him on a couch is a little girl. Turns out the extra wants him to do something bad otherwise he’ll cut off one of his wife’s fingers every five minutes. Sure, it sounds a little stupid but there is something at work here… it tapes into the question of why there are good people and why are there bad people?

This extra has a very interesting reason to be pissed at the director. From what he tells us, his father was alcoholic, abusive, unloving and his mother wouldn’t do anything about it. He grew up on the wrong side of the tracks and when he became a father he would drink, abuse his son and smack his wife. The director on the other hand grew up in a rich family that loved him, he worked hard to get to where he was, even if a crew member messed a shot up he would still smile it off, he has a wife whom he loves and it seems like he is content with his life. What would drive somebody to attack a person this nice and force them to do something as bad as killing a kid?

I think this movie taps into a part of us that we like to hide when we are angry or jealous. Have you ever been jealous of somebody or just angered because they seem to have everything they want and you don’t have anything? I know I have, it’s human instinct. How many people are out there that were born into abusive families, that deserve to have some shred of happiness but never gets it? I think Cut address the idea of being jealous of someone who has happiness. Its also rather sad because it’s about somebody who has been depressed, beaten and scarred and will never know what happiness is because of his upbringing. I guess knowing that will drive anybody insane.

Monday, January 3, 2011

Beautiful Dumplings

As part of a new year’s resolution I have decided to actually watch 3 Extremes in its entirety because I only got midway through Cut before I turned it off. Why? Because back then, when I was about 15 or so, I didn’t have the patience for Asian horror movies. So I gave the entire anthology another shot and I really enjoyed it. I loved it so much that I am going to write down my thoughts for each short story per day. That means, today I want to briefly discuss Dumplings, a story that is rather disturbing not only in the sense of what’s in the dumplings but how crazy people are willing to go to obtain youth and beauty.

Without spoiling anything, Dumplings is about a rich woman named Mrs. Li who is loosing her youth and beauty as she ages. She finds out that her husband is having an affair with his younger masseuse so she decides to try to rejuvenate herself. This leads her to Aunt Mei, a young chef who has claimed to have found the secret to eternal youth and beauty. The secret is baked and powdered in the form of delicious dumplings but little does the Mrs. Li realize… that the secret to the dumpling’s revitalizing power is unspeakably dark but even if she knew the secret, would she still want to eat the dumplings?

Personally, as disturbing as the ‘secret ingredient’ is I have to say that it’s even more disturbing that Mrs. Li still continues to eat the dumplings. (Okay, I just answered the question above so it’s not really a cliffhanger but still…). I think that’s what this film is mocking, just how far people are willing to go to try to make themselves look younger and to retain their beauty. It’s true! People are willing to get toxins injecting into their faces, having doctors insert liquid plastic or plastic plates to make their cheeks looks broader, chemical peels and artificial tans… all to look younger. Dumplings perfectly satirizes these people but at the same time makes a point. I think it goes further than that because all the men in this story seem to be only interested in younger women even if it means adultery or underage rape. It’s a grim comedy of replenished youth wrapped up in a nice packaged and delivered in one of the most beautifully shot horror movies I’ve seen.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

The City of Confusion

After trying to obtain the movie for a long time I finally was able to sit down and watch Lucio Fulci’s City of the Living Dead or as some may know it as The Gates of Hell. Both of these titles are accurate as to what the movie is about but… I still found myself scratching my head at the end of the film. Yes, it’s rather sad that it took me such a long time to find this and throughout the entire movie I was trying to figure out what was going on. The plot, in it’s watered down form is this: a priest dies, the gates of hell are opened, a bunch of people need to close them before All Saint’s Day before the world ends. That’s really all that I could gather. In between there are maggot storms, priests making people’s intestines come out through their mouths, people getting drilled in the cheek, dead porno addicted men and whole mess of other stuff. Visually this film is arresting and it’s pretty gory but since I need to turn my brain on 110% to watch this, I think the movie warrants another watch. I believe that Fulci deals largely with experimental and that’s why I don’t seem to understand it. Either way… you win Fulci… this round, that is.

Side note: I find it really funny that the soundtrack to this sounds exactly the same as Zombi 2.